Make an Appointment with a Child Therapist. But Don't Bring Your Child.

The hard truth about behavioral therapy, from a Maryland child therapist

Children can do amazing work in therapy. They discover language for their emotions. They learn to open up to someone they can trust. They discover what makes them feel better. And what makes them feel worse. They start to change their mindset.

But it’s slow going. And it’s tough to get the skills they learn in therapy to show up at home. Kids forget. They don’t review things in their heads like adults do. That can be a good thing. But also a barrier to building a new habit.

Remembering what to do out of context is hard. It’s not unusual for parents to say “he can do it when he’s calm. But when he’s upset all the skills are gone.” And who’s there in that moment? You are.

This is why, at a minimum, you should be aware of what your child is learning in therapy. Your therapist should help your child share a takeaway from the session with you. Or give you an overview of what’s being worked on.

But what do you do with that information? It’s great to know that your child is building capacity for mindfulness. Frustration tolerance. A growth mindset. An internal locus of control. But how do you support it at home?

There are some good books out there. What Do You Say? by Bill Stixrud and Ned Johnson and The Whole Brain Child by Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson are two of our favorites. But applying these concepts well takes practice.

So here it is. The hard truth.

We see the greatest improvements in child mental health when parents (not their children) attend therapy.

Sometimes we see the child for months, then make a leap forward when the parents come in. Sometimes parents come in with their children from the beginning. And sometimes parents come in on their own.

Without your children in the room, you can openly share your fears about them. And make a plan to prevent them from coming true. You can find the personal trip wires that have blocked you from being your best parenting self. You can practice saying and doing the right thing. And then put your plan into action at home.

In many cases, that’s all you’ll need. Changing the way you handle your child’s emotions and behaviors has a big impact. Changing what you do changes what your child does.

There are evidence based treatments for child anxiety built on this principle

Supportive parenting for anxious childhood emotions (SPACE) is one of them. SPACE treatment is hard work for parents. But once that work is done, the benefits multiply over time. Parents use the same tools over and over to address new problems that pop up.

And when this work is done, the family’s functioning changes. In very positive ways. Boundaries become clearer. Children become more self sufficient. Parents yell less.

The biggest barrier to SPACE treatment is that parents stop attending. After a few sessions they ask us to work with their child instead. But why? Remember those trip wires we mentioned above? When you start to change our parenting, you trigger them.

Judgmental scripts play in your head. (Or come out of your child’s or partner’s mouth). You start feeling like you can’t do this. Your child’s reactions are too upsetting. It hurts to see them hurt. The way you were responding before feels like the only way you can.

Everyone has places they get stuck. The right therapist can help you get unstuck.

This is one reason why parents who attend therapy themselves get better parenting outcomes. They get unstuck. They regulate their own emotions better. After all, what happens when you’re calm, joyful, and able to see the hidden needs behind your child’s behavior? You’re an awesome parent.

This is where a child therapist has an advantage. We’re working with your child, not ours. We’re looking at the hidden needs. And we don’t feel their pain in the same way. So we’re less likely to get stuck.

When it comes to parenting, we can teach you to respond like we do. After all, what IS child therapy? It’s someone seeing your child’s challenges and reacting differently.

That person can be you. It takes some courage. But it’s worth it. Here’s another reason why.

Therapy, like medicine, needs the right dose to work

This is the #1 reason why parents who attend therapy themselves get the most bang for their buck. When the intervention comes from the therapist to your child, your child gets 1 hour of intervention per week. When it comes from you, your child gets at least 2 hours per day.

That doesn’t mean you’re teaching your child skills 2 hours per day. Your new way of interacting IS the intervention. Even when you are just playing together. Or doing chores.

Adult therapy is also good treatment for child ADHD

(When the adult is the parent, that is. Don’t wait until they reach adulthood to help your ADHD child.)

ADHD is what’s sometimes called a “treatment diagnosis.” This means that learning you have ADHD improves how you manage it. The knowledge by itself is an intervention.

ADHD therapists often hear “will it harm my child to tell her she has ADHD?”

The opposite is likely true. But you do have to know how to explain it. An ADHD therapist can help you explain your child’s diagnosis to them. And help them manage it.

One key to managing ADHD is building an “ADHD friendly lifestyle.” Who does this for your child? You do. A therapist can help you figure it out.

A therapist can also help you know which behaviors are symptoms. And how to respond. In therapy, you’ll apply your own values to decisions about treatment and medication for your child (and/or yourself).

Finally, when you come to therapy to learn to parent your ADHD child, you might learn that you have ADHD yourself. ADHD runs in families. Remember how knowing you have it helps you deal with it? Here’s a chance to find out. Read more about that here.

When bringing your child to therapy is the right move

We’ve said a lot about the benefits of coming to therapy yourself. However, there are some times when it’s important to also send your child into the therapy room alone. They are

• When they’re coping with abuse, parent conflict, or a contentious divorce. Kids in these scenarios need space to practice talking about their pain, before it feels safe to share it with a parent.

• When separation anxiety is the problem. In this case, do both. Being able to be in the therapy room is an important step toward your child’s goal. But you can accidentally undermine it if you aren’t working with the therapist yourself.

• When they are adolescents. This is another both/and situation. But keeping some things private is a healthy developmental step for adolescents. They need space to practice figuring life out on their own.

• When you’ve done your part of the work, but your child still seems stuck. There are many reasons this can happen. Sometimes your child is afraid you’ll react badly to something (even though you actually won’t). A therapist can work with your child to encourage him/her/them to reconnect to you. And make a positive change together.

When you’re ready to take the first step toward helping your child, request an appointment here.