Staying Connected When Your Child (or Partner) is Hurting

Wisdom from our Child and Family Therapists

When your child is hurting, you hurt. The same is true with an intimate partner. Staying connected during these times can be emotionally draining. And also incredibly important.

We have all been in pain this past year. Take a moment of silence now to reflect on the people you’ve lost. Or if you’ve been lucky enough not to lose a person, the experiences and moments you lost.

We have been acutely feeling the absence of our “normal” routines. Of casual everyday connections with friends and neighbors. Of holiday celebrations with family.

If you feel as if you’re waking up from hibernation, you’re not alone. Ordinary activities may feel surreal or strange. Your mind and body are recalibrating after a time of disorientation and rapid change.

This happens when we are grieving. When we have experienced trauma. Our worldview has been shaken, leaving us with a blurry, bleary eyed feeling that we wish we could shake off.

The beauty of this is that we have improved our ability to “get it” when others are suffering. It may not be our suffering. We may not be able to feel completely what another person is feeling.

But we now have a hint of what it feels like. And that hint forms the foundation for empathy. If we pay attention.

So how do we use our empathy without losing ourselves? And how can we help?

Maintaining Boundaries with Your Partner, Child or Family

Your loved one’s pain is not yours. Let me say that again. Your loved one’s pain is not yours.

Think of it more like an unfriendly house guest that showed up unannounced. This guest won’t go away just because you ask. And it keeps trying to get between you.

Pain makes people irritable. And impatient. You’re probably snapping at each other. And saying unkind things to each other in your heads.

Try to notice this happening. And direct your annoyance at the unwelcome guest, not at each other. Then connect with your child or partner.

Remind them that you’re on their team, and you’re here. And that you’ll fight this awful feeling together, if they’ll let you.

Then give them time and space to seek their own solutions. Don’t tell them how to fix it, unless they ask.

Do remember that you didn’t cause the pain. If you think you’ve done something that may have contributed, apologize for it. Then acknowledge to yourself that you’ve done what you can do.

You can’t undo the past, no matter how hard you try. If you find yourself holding some guilt about how your loved one is feeling, examine that guilt more closely. Ask yourself

Is this guilt serving me well? Is it hindering me?

How long do I think I deserve to feel this way?

What might happen tomorrow if I released this guilt into the sky and let if float away?

And where could my energy be better spent?

How to Help a Loved One Who’s Hurting

Co-create Emotional Regulation

It’s called “coregulation.” And it means being with someone in a way that allows your nervous systems to synchronize.

We do this with our babies, before they understand language. We hold them and cultivate our own calm.

We do this with our breathing. With touch. Or with motion.

Imagine doing this with an intimate partner. It’s a long hug. Spooning. A slow dance.

For a child, it’s sitting in your lap. Dancing together to a light or silly song. Blowing bubbles together.

We can coregulate by holding hands or simply sitting side by side. No words are required.

Take the time to do this every day. Read separate books side by side. Walk together somewhere. Just be near and bring your calm, grounded self.

Help them help themselves

People who are hurting often don’t feel like talking about it. And may even feel guilty about it.

To help a child who seems unusually sad, irritable, overwhelmed, or afraid, read stories about these themes. If they’re open to it, share a time that you felt that way as a child. Let them know what helped you feel better.

Resist the urge to ask a lot of questions. Draw pictures together, without commenting on what they create. Swing on the swings together.

By doing this, you’re sending signals with your actions that you are here. And staying quiet gives them space to talk when they feel ready.

With a partner, you can help by sharing what you are feeling, and asking for what you need. That might not feel like the right move. You might feel like you’re adding to their burden.

But when you’re clear about what helps you, you open the lines of communication. Try something like “I can tell that you’re hurting, and I want to be there for you. It would help if you could tell me what you’d like me to do.”

Your hurting partner might not know what they need. If they aren’t sure, try “I’d like to just sit with you for awhile. Is that ok?”

Resist the temptation to fill the silence or ask questions. Remember that you are helping just by being there.

Be the safety net

When your child or partner is hurting, they may not make their best decisions. Let small issues go. But if your partner’s or child’s distress starts to scare you, do call 911 or take them for an emergency evaluation.

Let them know that you’re there to help them stay safe until they feel better. You should take action in this way if your child or partner is becoming violent, threatening to harm themselves or someone else, or is so distressed that they have lost awareness of where they are and what they are doing.

Remember to Care for Yourself

Try Prayer or Metta Meditation

Praying for someone you care about can bring great relief. It puts the situation in the hands of a higher power (remember, the pain is not yours). And allows you to voice what’s in your heart.

Often called loving kindness meditation, metta meditation involves wishing others (and yourself) well. Imagine the person who is hurting, and think “I wish you peace. I wish you love. I wish you safety” (or something similar). Then send the same wishes to yourself.

Make space for joy

Connect with a friend. Engage in a hobby you enjoy. When there’s intense emotion in your family, getting time away is essential to maintaining your mental health.

Call a counselor for a free consult

When the situation feels overwhelming, it’s important to get your own support. Most counselors and therapists offer free 15 minute consultations. They’ll let you know whether they think counseling could help, and suggest other resources that might help too.

Not sure if your child, teen, or partner needs professional help? This post may help you find out.

And of course, if you’d like to get that free consult from us, we’re here. Call 240-242-5185 or complete our free consult request.