Flipping the Script on Teen Discipline: Tips from Teen Counselors
Your middle schooler didn’t go to his online class. Your high schooler was chatting online with friends after midnight. They knew the rules. Now what?
You first thought might be “take their phone away!” Or “they need to learn to respect me.” Respect for parents is important.
But respect isn’t the core of the issue. Yes, your teen broke your rules. But in situations like these, it usually isn’t done as a message to you.
There are plenty of things that teens do to deliver a “@#$% you” message to their parents. But they’re usually bigger and bolder than this. We’ll cover those in a separate post.
Midnight texting happens when teens struggle to do what they should do instead of what they want to do. Missing class happens for the same reason. Or because of poor time management.
You may be angry about the disrespect. You feel dismissed. Ignored. Blatantly disregarded.
You’ll want to solve that. But those feelings are the problem that you are experiencing. You’ll see more change if you solve the problem that your teen is having.
What is my teen’s problem? Our teen counselors in Kensington, MD say…
It’s a question we often ask in anger. But it’s a very good question. What is the problem?
Your first job is to find out. Gather some information from your teen about the situation. This will give you time to respond rather than react. And guide you to a response that really solves the problem.
Here’s an example of how a problem-solving conversation with your teen might go. Notice that the parent’s goal is to figure out what problem the teen encountered. And to help solve it.
Parent: How did that happen? I know you know the rules. So what caused you to break them?
Your teen may tell you what was happening. You can empathize with what they felt. And try to help them develop another way to handle that feeling next time.
Or they may say “I don’t know.” Or tell you that you don’t understand and everyone is on their phones at night.
Teen: You just don’t get it. Everyone else is texting at night and I look stupid if I don’t text with them.
“No midnight texting” is probably a firm rule that you don’t plan to change. It’s still ok to hear your teen out.
Parent: So it seems like our rules are different than everyone else’s.
Teen: YES!
Parent: And it makes you look bad to your friends when you follow this rule?
Teen: Exactly.
Parent: That must feel pretty unfair. We definitely didn't make the rule to make you look bad. So why do you think we have this rule?
Teen: Um… maybe so I get enough sleep? Or so you can see what I’m doing online?
If you get an unhelpful response, just ask your teen to try again. Unhelpful responses might sound like “because you’re old” or “to control me.” If your teen isn’t sure, ask “would you like me to tell you?”
Parent: How could we achieve that AND keep you looking good to your friends?”
You may be able to find a different way to achieve both goals. Or you’ll recognize that you can’t. In which case you’d say “it looks like this rule is the best plan we have for now. Let me know if you think of another option.”
But what if your teen said “I don’t know” to your first question about what happened?
Teen: I don’t know.
Parent: Do you need some help to figure it out?
Teen: No.
Parent: Are you confident that you can figure out your own way to follow the rules next time?
Teen: Yes.
Parent: Ok, I expect you to follow this rule on your own. But if I see that it isn’t working, I might need to help you stay on track by keeping your phone in my room at night.
Be careful with your tone here. If you use a sarcastic tone or seem excited about the idea of taking the phone away, you’ll create a power struggle. Instead of a partnership.
That’s it. You’re done! You’ve now set a consequence. Without creating a power struggle.
Helping your teenager handle social drama (while keeping your boundaries): tips from teen therapists
What if your teen said “yes, I do need help figuring this out?” But didn’t want to give you any details.
Teen: Yes, I need some help.
Parent: So let’s figure it out. Something made it hard to put down the phone last night. Any idea what made it harder this time?
Maybe there was a fight going on with a friend. Or your teen is getting some attention from their crush. Maybe they were feeling down and wanted to do something fun to feel better.
Teen: None of your business.
Uh-oh. That’s going to push the disrespect button again. You feel yourself getting tense. Do your best to keep your cool.
Parent: So you want to keep that private?
Teen: Yeah.
Parent: Ok. I can respect that. But I do need a little bit of information in order to help. Was there something going on with a friend that you needed to handle?
Notice that you didn’t ask for more details. By talking in general terms you honor your teen’s wish for privacy. While still giving them adult help.
Teen: Maybe.
Parent: Did it feel like something you had to handle right away?
Teen: Yes.
Parent: Was it the kind of emergency where someone was in danger?
Teen: No.
(If yes, tell your teen that you expect him/her/them to always get adult help with those. And ask if the person is safe now.)
Parent: Was it a situation where someone was going to be upset if you didn’t talk to them?
Teen: Kind of.
Parent: Let’s think of some ways you could show them you care and put down the phone. Do you have some ideas?
Teen: Maybe I could… I don’t know.
Parent: I was thinking you could make a plan to talk at a certain time tomorrow. So they know you’re going to be there for them.
Teen: Ok. Maybe.
Parent: Were you worried that someone would be mean to you later or not be your friend if you put away the phone?
Teen: Yeah.
Parent: Would our plan help with that, or do we need more ideas?
Healthy problem solving with your teenager
What do you notice about these conversations? How are they different than what you’d usually do?
The main goal of these conversations is to position yourself as a resource for your teen. The rule you have set is non-negotiable. So know you’re here to help them figure out how to follow it.
You’re doing this to help your teen become an adult. The kind of adult who can think things through. And make the choice that works best for him/her/them.
We used an example based on social pressure. But a teen who breaks a rule might also be struggling to manage her ADHD symptoms. Or feeling depressed and seeking endorphins from his favorite online game.
The problem solving for these situations would look similar. You’d still be asking questions about what your teen thinks and wants. Rather than telling them what to do.
The answer might be to do something differently earlier in the day. To preempt the emotional struggle at night. Or it might be to add structure (a habit of putting the phone away) to keep temptation at bay.
If your teen doesn’t have strategies that work to manage mood, anxiety, or ADHD symptoms, therapy can help.
