3 Questions to Ask Your Anxious Child After School or Camp
Our Child and Family Therapists explain how to make the most of these moments with your anxious child
You’re picking your child up from the first day of day camp. Or from a week of sleepaway camp. You know they’ll shut down if you say the wrong thing. So how do you find out how it went?!
You may be surprised to discover that the best questions to ask aren’t questions at all. They’re more like steps to take. Those steps are listening, learning, and then helping.
Listening: Find out how the day/week went
There’s one way to find out. Keep quiet! Open the car door (or walk up to the pickup spot). Maybe wave and smile. Or hug if they’re little. But say nothing at all.
This probably feels nearly impossible to do. As a parent I’m dying to know. Was lunch ok? Did they make a new friend? Did they wear their sunscreen? Did they have fun? I really hope they had fun!
Take a moment for yourself while you’re waiting for your child. I’ll walk you through it.
And I’m probably a little anxious myself. This anxiety comes from the experience of seeing my child struggle, over and over again. Or maybe it’s how I’m wired. Either way, it’s there.
I’m asking myself… did I choose the right camp? Will my child make it through the whole camp session? Will I have to talk to the director?
Parenting tip: check in with yourself first
When I’m having trouble calming my mind, I try to give myself of moment of peace. Join me in taking that moment by clicking the video to the right.
Your quiet presence lets your child know you’re there for them. It gives them space to think about the experience they’ve just had. To release some of the anxiety they’ve been carrying all day. To take a deep breath. And to open up when they’re ready.
If your child is an introvert or sensory sensitive
Keep the radio off. And allow headphones in the car. If they weren’t allowed to have headphones at camp, have their favorite tech charged and waiting in the cup holder.
It might help to have a cold drink or a favorite snack waiting in the cupholder too. These can remind your child that they’re safe on a sensory level.
If your child has ADHD, autism, or other neurodivergence
They may be emotionally spent and need a break after camp before interacting at home. Try not to run straight to an activity or to the dinner table. Avoid asking them to do chores the minute they walk in the door. Downtime is a need for these kiddos.
2. Learning whether your anxious child needs your help
By now you’ve figured out where I’m going with this. Step 1 is still waiting for your child to speak up. If they just keep quiet, there are nonverbal ways to support them without pushing them to talk.
It’s likely, however, that they will start to tell you about their day at some point. And they may share something that upset them. That’s when it’s time for step 2.
Listen patiently. Let them keep talking until they seem completely finished. Even if there are long pauses. Use your active listening skills if you know how. Nod along and say “that sounds like it was really hard.”
Then you get to ask an actual question. “Is there anything you need me to do to help with that?” Most often, kids say no. Or they ask for your advice about what to do next. They might also ask you to do something you can’t or shouldn’t do, like “get that mean kid kicked out of camp!” (If there is a dangerous situation happening, DO talk to camp staff. But that’s usually not the case.)
Help your anxious child help themselves
Ask open ended questions to help them discover their own solutions. Try these:
Have you ever faced a problem like this before? How did you solve it?
What would your camp counselor say to do?
How would you tell a friend to handle that?
Who could help you when it is happening? And how would you get their help?
Remember that there are adults around to support your child in the moment. You don’t have to manage their day in advance from home. And frankly, you can’t.
3. Helping them have a better day (or week) next time
You’ve been doing the hard work of letting them figure it out on their own. But there is one place where you actually get to help. Ask “what do you think would make tomorrow a better (or even better) day?”
The answer might be simple. Perhaps they want an extra snack, their favorite hoodie, or ice cream on the way home. And it might be more complicated. They may be hoping someone is kinder to them. Or wanting to spend less time in a required activity.
If it’s something you can provide (the hoodie, for example), go for it. For the more complicated scenarios, you’ll be looking to help your child help themselves. That means asking open ended questions, and cultivating a growth mindset.
What is a growth mindset, and why does it matter?
A growth mindset is the belief that you can keep growing. Or get better at something that’s hard. It’s the opposite of “I’ll never be good at that.” And it keep kids (and adults) going back and trying again when facing a difficult task.
Kids face new information or new situations every day. And that means learning to do new things every single day. A growth mindset keeps them from just giving up. Because anxious kids feel more distress when they make mistakes, growth mindset is especially important for them.
If your anxious child is afraid to go to camp (or go back)
These tips for helping your anxious child go back to school can be used for camp too. Unless the camp is truly a bad fit for your child, going back and trying again is important. It helps your child learn that you believe in their ability to handle tough stuff. Even if they don’t yet believe it themselves.
Use tools from SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions) to help
When a child has a growth mindset already, they can say “that was really hard, but I know I can go back and try again tomorrow.” If they’re not there yet, you can have a growth mindset for them. This is called using “supportive statements,” and is part of Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions (SPACE). See this post for tips on using supportive statements to boost your child’s confidence.