Helping Your Anxious Child Go Back to School

7 Tips from our Child Therapists in Maryland

It’s that time again. Time to return from treasured vacation days. And summon the courage to drop our children off at school.   

It’s natural for both parents and children to feel anxious in this moment.   There are new routines, new teachers, and new peers. There may even be a new school!

Did we get the right supplies? Do we know what to do? Do they?

Separation Anxiety by Age

That’s why we feel anxious. But why do kids feel anxious about going to school?

Toddlers (18 mos to age 3), are working to build autonomy for the first time. They are filled with doubt about their abilities, and want to know you’re close by to handle what they can’t.   They’ll discover in time that a teacher can do that too.

Preschoolers and Elementary Schoolers have gained the ability to anticipate the changes that September brings. They may have doubts about their academic abilities or their social skills. And because they can think ahead a little better, they may experience anticipatory anxiety days or weeks in advance.

Tweens and Teens feel a loss of freedom and autonomy when facing a structured school day. They may find it hard to stay organized or stay focused. And peer conflicts hurt teens and tweens deeply. School can feel high-risk and low reward for kids who are struggling.

For Parents, each September brings the developmental task of letting go as our kids outgrow us just a little bit more.  We know these steps (ours and theirs) are critical to our children’s development.  By managing our own anxiety, we also begin to teach our children to manage theirs.

Tip #1:  Let Go and Let Grow

I remember my first parent teacher conference at the preschool level.  It was 6 weeks into the school year and my son was still adjusting. I was already sure that the teacher didn’t “get” him.   “How can she teach him if she doesn’t know him?” I thought. 

Fortunately I also remember my second conference. The one where she blew my mind by describing my child perfectly.   I discovered something that day.   My child was building a relationship with his teacher on his terms.   And his teacher knew to wait for it.   

This year, as you feel the first twinges of doubt about the new teacher, new school, and new peers, remind yourself gently to watch and wait.   Do the things that help you relieve stress.   Practice mindfulness meditation, pray, laugh with friends, or write in a journal.   Approach the new year with patience, and your child may do the same.

Tip #2:  Teach Emotional Regulation

Managing our own anxiety goes a long way toward helping our children to manage theirs. But kids also need developmentally appropriate tools to make it through the day.   Here’s how to teach them.

1. Lead by example.  When you’re feeling stressed about something, show your children how you manage the stress and invite them to try it with you.   Write about or draw your feelings, sing a song that shifts your mood, or give yourself or each other a warm hug.   This teaches your child that negative feelings are a normal part of life and can be handled when they come.

2. Develop awareness of body and mind.   Spend a few minutes every day breathing deeply with your child, teaching him to feel the air going in and out of his body.   “Take attendance,” checking to ensure that his toes, feet, legs, knees, hips, bottom, belly, back, shoulders, arms, hands, neck, chin, cheeks, ears, eyes, and forehead are all present in the room.  Remind him that feeling his breath for a few moments or taking attendance can get him ready to try a new activity or calm him when he’s feeling anxious.

Tip #3: Create a (Fun) Ritual

Build your own dropoff tradition, such as singing a song together before getting out of the car. Recite a silly rhyme, do jumping jacks, or hop into school on one foot. 

With my youngest, I used to spin around with her twice and then swing her off her feet before setting her on the doormat to her classroom.

For older kids, try having breakfast together. Pack lunch together. Stop for a latte en route.

Keep it short and simple, and don’t skip the ritual when you’re in a hurry.   Going through it will be faster than arguing with your child about whether you have time.

Tip #4: Provide Transition Objects if Needed

For older kids, this might be a cell phone or apple watch. A bracelet. Anything that links them back to you. Subtle signs of your presence, like a cleverly folded napkin at lunch can work too.

For little ones, give a favorite stuffed animal a big hug and leave the animal holding the hug in a cubby for when your child needs it.   Leaving a hug in a hoodie works too. Just be sure to use something that isn’t against school rules, and let the teacher know why it’s there.

Tip #5: Create Visual Schedules/Cues for Tracking Time

Children haven’t developed the ability to track time the way adults do.   If your child doesn’t measure his day by the clock naturally, list the activities he’ll do that day. And give him a cue to anticipate when you’ll be back.   

For example, if there’s a snack at 5:00 and you’re coming at 5, tell him you’ll be there when he finishes his end of day snack.   (Remember that the activity might happen more than once during the day. Be specific!) If you think you may run late, say “if I’m not there when you finish , I’ll be there right after .”

Tip #6: Prime the Positive

If your child is focused on the negative or has anticipatory anxiety, try teaching her to notice the best parts of her day.

1. Ask the Right Questions.   Try “who do you think will smile at you first?” “will you eat your sandwich right side up or upside down?” or “how many giggles will there be today?” instead of “do you have your lunch?” or “are you ready to meet your new teacher?”

2. Create a Task.   When my kindergartener was feeling clingy at drop-off time, we made up a game.   I would fill my eyes with excitement and say “something magnificent is going to happen today, but we don’t yet know what.  I’m excited to find out what it is when I pick you up.”   She spent all day looking for the most amazing story to tell me. 

For even younger children the task might be simpler and sillier, such as looking to see if anyone wore polka dot shoes to school or counting the number of pencils on the ceiling.

3. Tell Stories with Happy Endings.    When sharing stories from your childhood with your kids, be sure to include fun experiences you had in school.  (If you don’t remember, it’s fine to make something up!) 

For younger children, read books such as “The Kissing Hand” or “Llama Llama Misses Mama”  that end with parents picking up their children from school.

Tip #7: Get Out of the Way

Follow your plan for drop-off time and don’t linger.   Leaving when you say you will lets your child know that you’ll also return on time and helps her transition into the next part of her day.

When to Change the Plan: Advice from Our Maryland Counselors

Sometimes kids are anxious because of overwhelm. If you see changes in your child’s overall demeanor after the first few weeks of school (becoming sad or withdrawn, seeming exhausted, acting out in ways you haven’t seen before), look for ways to reduce stress.   

Ask yourself whether your child needs more time to adjust. Or whether a change in routine could help the adjustment. An earlier bedtime or bigger breakfast can make a big difference in kids’ ability to handle stress. More quality time with a parent at night can help them reset for the next day.

If those changes don’t help, brainstorm possible solutions with the current teacher before requesting a change of classroom or school.   If you’ve thought it through and are sure that the current environment isn’t the right fit, trust your instincts and make a change.   

You’ll have to go through the transition period again, but you’ll feel more at peace after doing what feels right to you.   

Finally, if your child seems to be having more persistent difficulty adjusting to school than his peers, it may be time to consult a therapist or developmental pediatrician to ensure that your child’s emotional development is on track.

For More Help Parenting Your Anxious Child

You’ve come to the right place! All of our therapists are trained in Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions (SPACE). When you’re ready to learn new ways to reduce your child’s anxiety, just request a SPACE appointment. We’re ready to help.