Lions and Tigers and Pronouns, Oh My! Supporting Your Child’s Gender Journey
How to support your gender-variant child: A Maryland therapist explains
Though Pride Month may be over, the therapists at Better Together Family Therapy never stop working for our LGBTQIA+ clients and community. Coming out as trans, non-binary, agender or otherwise gender-variant is a huge and often stressful milestone, and it can be fraught for the caregivers on the receiving end. What do the terms mean? What if I say the wrong thing? How am I supposed to feel about this? All these questions, and many more, can cause immense anxiety for the parent of a gender-variant child. Here are some tips for parenting your gender-variant child with love and support:
Thank, trust, and respect them in the coming out process
Coming out can be one of the hardest, most stressful experiences in a person’s life. Thank your child for their honesty. Let them know you appreciate the bravery it took to share their truth. Respect that they are the experts on their own identity, even as it changes and develops. Validate them. Do not call it a phase. Suggesting that they are wrong about something as important to them as their gender identity will only make them feel invalidated and ignored.
You and your child are likely at different stages of the gender journey
While a gender-variant child’s coming out may feel sudden for a parent, it’s likely been a long time coming. Gender-variant youth have often spent years exploring, considering and even fighting their gender-identity before they feel comfortable enough to share their truth with a parent. Let them lead the conversation. Ask them what you can do to support them. Ask what their preferred pronouns mean to them. Ask what their experience has been like. Ask them what they’d like to be called…and call them that.
Take the time to educate yourself
Not sure what the terms mean? Right here is a good place to start. Sites like Gender Spectrum are essential and helpful tools for gender variant youth and their caregivers. The site also has a Gender Support Plan that is excellent if/when you need to communicate with your child’s school about their gender identity.
Take the time to learn terms, read the science (from reliable sources, not those with political agendas) and educate yourself about the long history of gender-variance in the world. Books like Seeing Gender, The Gender Identity Workbook for Kids and The Gender Identity Workbook for Teens are excellent primers for the whole family. Watch the YouTube Channels of trans influencers and seek out subreddits like r/asktransgender. Learning about gender also allows you to acknowledge and examine your own biases.
Take a page from the LGBTQIA book and be fluid
Identity is complicated and ever-shifting. Appreciate that your child is still figuring it out, and resist the urge to put them in the boy/girl box. Many gender-variant youth reject the binary construct, and may not identify as a boy or a girl. Rather than ‘denying their gender’ they are instead moving toward a more expansive gender identity, one in which they do not have to live under antiquated gender standards. Challenge yourself to be open to these ideas.
Help them find community, and find your own
Though today’s young people have a far more expansive idea of identity, being a gender-variant person in our society is still tremendously difficult. Meeting and connecting with others in the LGBTQIA+ community is essential. Encourage your child to join their school’s GSA. Attend Pride events and gender-variant youth meet-ups. Though caution should be used with any social media platform, there are many thriving online communities for gender-variant youth. And while gender-variance itself is not a reason to seek therapy, an affirming therapist will help your child, and you, to navigate their gender journey.
In order to process your own feelings— which may include grief, confusion, and anxiety—seek out other parents of gender-variant youth through PFLAG and Facebook groups like Parents of Transgender Children.
No matter what, remember that your child is still your child. Support and affirmation is essential for gender-variant youth, and parental love can make all the difference in the world. The gender journey may seem scary, but when approached with care and intention, it can be filled with love, personal growth and joy.
