Stop Reminding Your Child in 5 Easy Steps

“How many times have I asked you to do that?! You don’t do it when I ask nicely. You only listen when I yell.”

Have these words ever come out of your mouth? I have definitely said them a time or 2… or maybe a lot more than 2.

I often resort to just adding “4th reminder” to the end of a sentence. It’s exhausting. I feel like a broken record.

If this is you, you’re not alone. Maryland family therapists hear this story all the time.

This story is told again and again for a reason. This “not listening” behavior evokes strong feelings in us as parents. When your kids don’t do what you ask you feel ignored. Disrespected. Unappreciated.

You may ask nicely first and get a growl. An eye roll. A “get out of my room.” On the worst days it becomes “I hate you.” Perhaps with some added words that aren’t fit to print. “You’re the worst mom/dad EVER!!!”

Even the best parents yell. But you don’t have to. And you don’t like to.

When your child yells, you know what you’re seeing. A sudden burst of emotion from a child who hates interruptions. Or really wanted to do something else.

It still stings. You are exhausting yourself every day for someone who can’t be bothered to pick up his socks. It’s not fair!

And you’re right. It’s not fair. And that means that you are already doing something right. Because it can’t be fair. If you yelled at your child like he/she/they yells at you, your child would feel afraid. Insecure. Traumatized.

But that’s not what you’re doing. Even in your worst moments, you’re not yelling “I hate you. You’re the worst child ever!” What you are doing is asking your child to take responsibility. Do her chores. Help around the house. Start his homework. And that’s good parenting.

You don’t need a child therapist to fix this.

Well, you do need one to write this post. But you might not need to hire one for your child. (If you choose to, though, we can help.)

The secret to ending the reminders game is this. Use your natural feedback loops. Let’s consider where they already exist in your life. When there are no clean forks at dinner time, you ____. Nobody tells you to wash the forks. (Or buy more forks…your choice.)

You do the work in order to get what you need. Your child can do the same thing. Your teen can too.

In fact, it’s easier. You don’t have to motivate yourself to get started. It’s just a step on the way to what you’re doing next. You likely do these kinds of tasks more reliably than you do other things. Remembering the things on your to-do list is a task in itself. Remembering to remind your kids is too! So let’s cut out that step.

Let’s set up natural feedback loops for your child. These loops are especially important if your child has ADHD. Or has trouble keeping information in working memory.

Replace the reminders step by step. You’ll feel better about your parenting. And your kids will too.

Step 1: Find the freebies.

Your child has things you do for her every time she asks. You get a glass of water for your toddler who can’t reach. You drive your teen to his soccer practice. Maybe you give out the wifi passcode or fix the broken toy.

The freebies are things your child wants from you, and asks for. (If he hates going to soccer, that one doesn’t count.) Take a moment to write a list of 3 or more freebies for each child in your home.

Step 2: Identify related reminders.

Do you need that empty water glass to find its way to the dishwasher? Need her to empty her softball gear from the car to make room for soccer? Need to see that homework is done before screen time starts?

Start here. List the items you need in order to do what your child asks. In the examples above, you need a glass. A car that’s ready to go. A folder of work in front of you (virtual or actual).

What reminders do you give about those items? “Stop leaving your stuff in the car!” “Put your dishes in the sink!” “No games until your work is done!”

Step 3: Choose where to start.

Try this plan for one reminder before you go all in. Remember that you’re learning something new. Give yourself a chance to practice.

Choose the reminder that you’re most tired of giving. Or the one that’s easiest to link to a freebie. Circle that one on your list.

Step 4: Tell your child what to expect (in a positive way).

DO say: “I know you don’t like it when I tell you to ______ over and over again. Especially when you’re doing something else. I want to try something new so we don’t have to do that.”

DON’T say: “I’m so sick of telling you to pick up your shoes. You can’t have your favorite hoodie until your shoes are picked up!”

See the difference? The first way is an idea. An attempt to support.

The second is a threat. An attempt at control. And something we might be more likely to say.

What do you say now?

This is why we have to practice. The second option can feel like it’s our truth. We need our kids to do it already, for the umpteenth time!

The first statement is also true. We just have to get used to saying it. Practice until you can say it and mean it.

Once you’ve said the first part, you can explain. “Here’s how it works. We make the thing you have to do part of something you’re already doing.”

“Then you don’t have to remember to do it. And I don’t keep interrupting you to ask if you did it. Ok?”

Feedback loops in action: Examples from Maryland therapists

“Before we leave for soccer, we’re going to get the softball stuff out of the car. I won’t ask you to clean out the car when you’re doing something else, just when we’re going to soccer. How does that sound?”

“Next time you ask me to get you a cup, I’ll ask you to bring me the last cup I gave you. That way, the cup gets to the kitchen. And I don’t have to stop you while you’re playing.”

“Every day when you’re done with your homework, you ask me for your ipad. Let’s make that homework checking time. You show me your finished work and I’ll give you the ipad. Then I won’t interrupt when you’re busy having fun.”

Step 5: Keep at it.

Use your new strategy every time your child asks you to do the freebie task. Calmly ask for the other task to be done. “Remember our plan? Just bring me your other cup and I’ll fill this one right up.”

Don’t ask for this specific task at other times. (This one takes a lot of practice!) Remember, you’ve promised your child that you wouldn’t. Give your child permission to remind you if you forget.

When this is a habit, try another feedback loop. Go to the next freebie on your list. Repeat the steps with that one.

But I’m parenting teenagers. They don’t need anything from me!

What teens need is different. It might be money. Permission to go out with friends. A fully stocked fridge or pantry.

Give gas money when the inside of the car is clean. Restock their favorite snacks when they’ve done the dishes and/or cleaned up wrappers. (Shop anytime and hide the extra goodies out of sight.)

Approve a hangout with friends only when they have clean clothes to wear. (If your teen isn’t washing their own clothes, start now. Teens are motivated to have their favorite outfits ready to wear. And washing his own sheets helps him keep wet dreams and other embarrassments private.)

Teens can handle longer term goals, too. Help them earn new tech faster by being consistent in a particular chore. If they’re saving their own money, kick in a little extra when they show you they’re on top of schoolwork.

Parenting teens with ADHD

If your teen has ADHD, you might need to include some interim reminders. But you don’t have to be the one delivering them! Help him set a reminder on his phone for a daily chore. Or an alarm on Thursday afternoon to remind her to do laundry by Friday so she can go out.

Teach the habit of taking action before dismissing the alarm, even if the action is resetting the alarm for later.

Our Family Therapists are also here to help.

Want more customized support? We’re happy to help you find the tools that work best for your family!  Click here to request an appointment.