Life as a teen with an autistic sibling: what it’s really like.
I’m a 15 year old with an older autistic sibling, and I wrote this post. I hope parents can read it and learn something, and other teens like me can feel seen. No shade on autistic people. This post just isn’t about them. It’s about what it’s like to be me.
What’s hard about having an autistic sibling: A view from the inside
These are some of the things that happen to me. Do they happen to you too?
Autistic sibling’s needs overriding your own
Growing up with an autistic sibling, especially an older one, you are typically put in the shadows. They require more attention and time and parents often struggle to balance that with the attention needed for another child. It is common for the non-autistic sibling to often feel left out, or ignored. As if, because their sibling is autistic, it makes them inherently more important.
Actions of the autistic sibling will often fly under the radar, or get easily brushed off simply because of their autism. As the non-autistic sibling, I know what that feels like. It feels as though my mistakes are a thousand times worse than any mistake my autistic sibling makes. While they face warnings, you face groundings. It feels unfair and unjust.
Feeling unseen and underappreciated
Oftentimes my accomplishments will feel undermined compared to those of my autistic sibling. Receiving an A in a difficult class is beat out by the autistic sibling receiving a high B, only because they are autistic and struggle more than I do.
The non-autistic sibling goes above and beyond trying to impress parents in order to feel even remotely as appreciated as the autistic sibling. Due to their struggles, minor accomplishments seem huge, and there is no reason to not celebrate those. However, it is important that parents also give the same amount of recognition to the other sibling’s accomplishments.
Social struggles
People who fall within the autism spectrum often have struggles regarding social interactions. Parents of children with autism often like to aid in ensuring the autistic child has some sort of social life at the very least. While this is definitely important, it shouldn’t stop you from enabling the other child’s social life as well.
As the non-autistic sibling, I understand what it’s like to feel limited in how social you are allowed to be. The parents feel it’s unfair to have one child going out with friends more often than the other, I get it. However, it’s also important to let the other child get the social fulfillment they need. Friends are an escape from life in school, at home, and in general. Friends are a great outlet to let go of any stress or tension that’s being held on to. Letting your kid hang out with friends is very important for their development, especially if it brings them joy. The autistic child will seek out the social enrichment they want when they want it, however, it’s important to understand it won’t be nearly as much as the other child.
Having an autistic sibling is hard. Here’s what I do about it.
Setting boundaries with your autistic sibling
When it comes to having an autistic sibling sometimes it can be hard to say no. However, setting boundaries is extremely important and saying no is okay. Say for example, you’ve had an extremely long day and your sibling is insistent that you do a particular activity with them at that exact moment. It is okay to say no and suggest doing it another time. No matter how that sibling may react, it is necessary to recognize your own needs, not just theirs. Setting boundaries like this is extremely important and necessary in having a stable, healthy relationship with your autistic sibling.
Self care: 5 tools for managing stress
Having an autistic sibling can be extremely stressful. They have difficult needs and it’s hard to understand what they want at times. It is important to take care of yourself and decompress. My favorite ways to do this include
1. Stretching. Stretching is a very relaxing activity that calms the mind as well as the body, not only does it keep me in shape for how active I am, but it also helps me relax and stay calm.
2. Watch a comfort show. Watching a show that you know you love and brings you a sense of comfort is a great way to let yourself relax and enjoy yourself.
3. Take an “everything shower.” An everything shower is exactly as it sounds, a shower where you wash and take care of everything. From doing hair masks, to shaving, to exfoliating, etc. It is a great way to reset and ensure you feel refreshed and clean going into a new week, day, etc.
4. Clean your room or a space you spend a lot of time in that tends to get messy. While cleaning may not feel like comfort to all people, it definitely helps you reset. For me personally, the process of cleaning is not necessarily enjoyable. However, I do it anyway because having a clean room feels like having a clean mind that is ready to go and prepared for a new week. Going into a new week with a messy room feels stressful and chaotic to me.
5. Listen to music. I find that whenever I'm stressed and need a way to cool off or just relax, music is a common go-to. Listening to so many wide genres of music can be relaxing for so many people.
This list is just a few things I personally like to do. Try coming up with your own list of things that help you personally relax. If you want to follow my list, try combining activities, like listening to music while you stretch or playing your comfort show while you clean.
Parents can be a great support if they get it. Here’s what I wish parents knew and/or understood.
School is stressful.
Parents often don’t understand how stressful and insane school life can be and get. While yes, they experienced school too, they experienced a very different version than the kind we get today. All of their homework was on paper. Whether that was easier or harder I’ll leave up to you. However, this typically means less homework as you can only take home so much. With everything on a computer, teachers tend to go a bit overboard and give you everything they can. It builds up extremely quickly and can be insanely overwhelming.
Social life is stressful. (Are you sensing a pattern here?)
Parents also don’t understand the social life of a teenager. Yes, they may understand what it’s like to a very basic level, they don’t get the very complicated, often common drama that comes with being a teenager. They don’t know that one day you may go into school with a great group of friends and then the next day have to find a new group to sit with because Maddie got mad at Rebecca and the whole group went up in flames. It is extremely difficult to deal with in ways your parents didn’t experience.
It’s ok to need a day off from it every once in a while, but it’s important to make sure it doesn’t get out of control and you stop going to school as a whole. School can absolutely consume your life and I wish parents knew how difficult that is and how even more difficult it is to get away from that feeling.
Feeling seen is important
With an autistic sibling, the other child tends to feel left out or secondary to the needs of the autistic sibling. Parents often overlook this and don’t understand how difficult it can be to feel as though you will always be a second priority. This can be a difficult feeling to overcome for everyone involved.
Parents may feel as though they are giving the same amount of attention to both kids without realizing how skewed it may be. Once the other sibling starts feeling left out or secondary it is very hard to get out of that mindset. It is a very difficult thing to overcome and work out.
Parents, this is what we need from you
1. One on one bonding time with the non-autistic kid. Spending time with a parent one on one helps this kid feel as though they are still seen and appreciated, particularly without the other sibling involved.
2. Family bonding without extreme focus on one kid rather than the other(s). It is important for the non-autistic sibling to feel seen and appreciated even in full family settings.
3. Attend our events with the same spirit. Sometimes as the non-autistic sibling it can feel as though your events or activities are attended with much less enthusiasm. Whether it’s a show or a game, it can feel as though you don’t receive the same praise and appreciation as the autistic sibling.
Ensuring these things happen can help cure the feeling of invisibility in the family. Or at least they do in mine.
Sometimes a therapist can help you figure out the things that need to happen in your specific family. Don’t forget that non-autistic siblings need therapy too!