Preparing Your Child for a Successful School Dropoff

It’s that time again: time to return from treasured vacation days and summon the courage to drop our children off at school.   It’s natural for both parents and children to feel anxious in this moment.   Young children (18 mos to age 3), are working to build autonomy for the first time and are filled with doubt about their abilities.   Older children have gained the ability to anticipate the changes that September brings and may experience anticipatory anxiety days or weeks in advance.   And for parents, each September brings the developmental task of letting go as our babies grow just a little bit more and venture farther from the nest.    These steps (ours and theirs) are critical to our children’s development, and like all developmental tasks, they present a golden opportunity.   By managing our own anxiety, we also begin to teach our children to manage theirs.

Step 1:  Let Go and Let Grow

I remember vividly my first preschool parent teacher conference.   It was 6 weeks into the school year and my son was still adjusting, but I was already sure that the teacher didn’t “get” him.   “How can she teach him if she doesn’t know him?” I thought.  Fortunately I also remember my second conference, the one where she blew my mind by describing my child perfectly in 3 simple words.   I discovered something that day.   My child was building a relationship with his teacher on his terms.   He bared his soul to her when he was ready, not when I wanted him to, and his teacher knew enough to wait for it.   This year, as you feel the first twinges of doubt about the new teacher, new school, and new peers, remind yourself gently to watch and wait.   Do the things that help you relieve stress.   Practice mindfulness meditation, pray, laugh with friends, or write in a journal.   Approach the new year with excitement, and your child may do the same.

Step 2:  Set Up for Success

Though managing our own anxiety goes a long way toward helping our children to manage theirs, kids also need developmentally appropriate tools to make it through a stressful day.   The following strategies can prepare your child to manage the stress he/she may experience.

Teach Emotional Self Care

1. Model good self care.  When you’re feeling stressed about something other than parenting, show your children how you manage the stress and invite them to try it with you.   Write about or draw your feelings, sing a song that shifts your mood, or give yourself or each other a warm hug.   This teaches your child that negative feelings are a normal part of life and can be handled when they come.

2. Develop awareness of body and mind.   Spend a few minutes every day breathing deeply with your child, teaching him to feel the air going in and out of his body.   “Take attendance,” checking to ensure that his toes, feet, legs, knees, hips, bottom, belly, back, shoulders, arms, hands, neck, chin, cheeks, ears, eyes, and forehead are all present in the room.  Remind him that feeling his breath for a few moments or taking attendance can get him ready to try a new activity or calm him when he’s feeling anxious.

Create a Ritual

Build your own fun dropoff tradition, such as singing a song together before getting out of the car, reciting a silly rhyme, doing jumping jacks, or hopping into school on one foot.  Keep it short and simple, and don’t skip the ritual when you’re in a hurry.   Going through it will be faster than arguing with your child about whether you have time.

Provide Transition Objects if Needed

Tie a ribbon on your child’s wrist, place a lipstick kiss on her arm, or give a favorite stuffed animal a big hug and leave the animal holding the hug in a cubby for when your child needs it.   Just be sure to use something that isn’t against school rules, and let the teacher know why it’s there.

Create Visual Schedules/Cues for Tracking Time

Children haven’t developed the ability to track time the way adults do.   If your child doesn’t measure his day by the clock naturally, list the activites he’ll do that day and give him a cue to anticipate when you’ll be back.   For example, if there’s a snack at 5:00 and you’re coming at 5, tell him you’ll be there when he finishes his end of day snack.   (Remember that the activity might happen more than once during the day and be specific).   If you think you may run late, say “if I’m not there when you finish , I’ll be there right after .”

Prime the Positive

If your child is focused on the negative or has anticipatory anxiety, try teaching her to notice the best parts of her day.

1. Ask the Right Questions.   Try “who do you think will smile at you first?” “will you eat your sandwich right side up or upside down?” or “how many giggles will there be today?” instead of “do you have your lunch?” or “are you ready to meet your new teacher?”

2. Create a Task.   When my 3 year old was feeling clingy at drop-off time, we made up a game.   I would fill my eyes with excitement and say “something magnificent is going to happen today, but we don’t yet know what.  I’m excited to find out what it is when I pick you up.”   She spent all day looking for the most amazing story to tell me.  For younger children the task might be simpler and sillier, such as looking to see if anyone wore polka dot shoes to school or counting the number of pencils on the ceiling.

3. Tell Stories with Happy Endings.    When sharing stories from your childhood with your kids, be sure to include fun experiences you had in school.   If your child is already feeling fearful about school, give her the job of finding one fun thing that happens each day, using your own experiences as examples of fun things that might happen.   (If you don’t remember, it’s fine to make something up!)  For younger children, read books such as “The Kissing Hand” or “Llama Llama Misses Mama”  that end with parents picking up their children from school.

Get Out of the Way

Follow your plan for drop-off time and don’t linger.   Leaving when you say you will lets your child know that you’ll also return on time and helps her transition into the next part of her day.

Step 3: Know When to Step In

If you see changes in your child’s overall demeanor after the first few weeks of school (becoming sad or withdrawn, seeming exhausted, acting out in ways you haven’t seen before), look for ways to reduce his stress.   Is he developmentally ready for the program he’s in?   Does he need a change in routine, such as an earlier bedtime or bigger breakfast, to meet the demands of his day?   Be sure to consider his behavior throughout the week (not just at drop-off time) and observe his class or gather information from school staff about his behavior when you’re not there.   Think about how your child has handled other changes in his life and give him time to adjust before making any major decisions, and brainstorm possible solutions with the current teacher before requesting a change of classroom or school.   If you’ve thought it through and are sure that the current environment isn’t the right fit, trust your instincts and make a change.   You’ll have to go through the transition period again, but you’ll feel more at peace after doing what feels right to you.   Finally, if your child seems to be having more persistent difficulty adjusting to school than his peers, it may be time to consult a therapist or developmental pediatrician to ensure that your child’s emotional development is on track.