Who is Responsible for Your Happiness?
The answer to this question is more complex than it seems. Often we reflexively say “I am,” but become angry at another person for failing to make us happy. It’s healthy to have hopes and dreams for our relationships and to work at realizing them, but when we expect our partners (or parents or children) to provide our happiness we should also expect that they will fall short. This is because we are most effective at creating happiness for ourselves, rather than guiding others to do it. (Imagine the difference between driving a car yourself and instructing a blindfolded driver from the passenger seat.) This is not to say that we shouldn’t join with others in creating happiness. Of course we should! Connection to others is a fundamental human need. But we must first take responsibility for our own happiness in order to be fully present in our relationships and generate happiness with another person. Here are some tips for bolstering your individual happiness, with or without a partner.
Strike a balance between stress and joy. When something upsetting is happening, intentionally increase the activities that bring you pleasure. Boss on your back at work? Add an extra yoga class, take in a movie, grab coffee with a friend. The purpose of these activities is to increase your pleasure, so don’t spend them ruminating about the stress.
Monitor your own signs of stress (thinking sad or angry thoughts, becoming short tempered with others, feeling exhausted, appetite or sleep changes) and take action to relieve the pressure. Close each day on a positive note with a meditation, soothing music, stretching, or journaling. Eat well and be sure to sleep enough. Take a sick day to restore your energy if you need to, and be willing to reach out to a therapist when your stress is chronic or feels unmanageable.
Cool off before communicating. If you feel compelled to pen an angry text or email, you’re not ready to talk about it. Do some deep breathing, gather some perspective, and put your most impassioned thoughts in a journal rather than a message. When you’re ready to talk, you’ll be on track to solve the problem rather than looking for the other person to make you feel better.
Decide what you want, and ask for that. For example, imagine you are juggling meal prep, homework help, and activities on Tuesday nights and you’re feeling overwhelmed. You’re thinking “My partner never does anything. It’s so unfair that I have to do it all!” Telling your partner “I’m feeling really stressed and it would help if you could…” is much more effective than asking “Why aren’t you helping me?” and sets the stage for the two of you to create an alternate plan.
Consider more than one way to get your needs met. If your partner, parent, or child isn’t prepared to fill the role you imagine, think about the end result you’re looking for. (In the scenario above, a decrease in your stress level is the ultimate goal.) Brainstorm other ways to achieve the feeling you’re seeking.
