Talking to Children About the War in Israel and Gaza
When tragedy strikes in Israel, we feel it here in Maryland and DC.
When tragic events occur in our community, questions about explaining it to children often follow. For many of us, the attack on Israel IS an attack on our community. It may be happening an ocean away, but the impact is felt locally.
You’re likely feeling many different emotions about what’s happening. As a human being, you have empathy for those who are being harmed. You feel some of their pain. You may also feel fear for the future of the Israeli people or of your community.
The attack may feel like a personal threat to your safety, particularly if you are Jewish or know someone in Israel. It may bring up memories of other acts of aggression toward the Jewish community worldwide.
The attack may also feel personally threatening if you have experienced acts of violence yourself. Or have a trauma history. If an image you’ve seen or article you’ve read resonated deeply with you, you may also feel like the events are happening directly to you.
All of these are understandable reactions to the events occurring in Israel. And may also be intensified by a pileup of bad news over time. Pandemics, natural disasters, and political unrest have impacted us personally in recent years. Antisemitism has been on the rise. Many of us are starting to feel like the world is falling apart around us.
How do I talk to my child when I’m struggling to cope myself?
Ask open ended questions, such as “what have you heard about what’s happening in Israel?” and “how did you feel about that?” Asking about their feelings and experience can keep your focus on supporting them.
When they share their feelings, be sure to acknowledge and validate them. “It must have been sad/scary to hear that!” or “It makes sense that you feel that way” is a good start. If they have heard misinformation that makes the crisis scarier (for example, that it happened to someone they know), correct it simply with the facts that you have.
It’s ok to show some emotion. It’s alright to look sad or shed a tear when talking about something painful. Doing so normalizes the emotions your child may be feeling. If you’re too upset to talk calmly, try implementing your go-to coping strategies before having this talk.
Combine the show of emotion with conversations about how you’re coping yourself. Invite your child to join you in praying, breathing deeply, or taking action to support the people of Israel. It might sound something like “this news has me feeling sad/worried. I’m going to say a prayer for the people in Israel. Would you like to join me?”
This is so unfair! Handling conversations with children about antisemitism and hate.
Even very young children understand the concept of fairness. Without having all the details, they know that the people of Israel didn’t deserve to be attacked. Acknowledge that what is happening is unfair and unacceptable. And that we choose not to behave like that ourselves.
If your child is old enough to be aware of antisemitism, this news may bring up fear of an attack occurring at home. “Old enough” is younger than you may think. Very young children notice security guards at their school or synagogue. Children of all ages may see or hear about antisemitic graffiti in their communities.
Kids seek simple, factual information to feel safe. Resist the urge to say things like: “that won’t happen.” They know you can’t promise that. Instead, remind them that adults in the community are working every day to keep them safe. Ask what helps them feel safe at home, at school, and in their neighborhood. Hear their ideas and implement their suggestions if you can.
Follow up with everyday activities that give kids a sense of security and predictability. Story time. Snuggles. Family meals. Bath time. Games. These routines remind children that adults are there for them, without having to say so.
What to do about violent or scary social media content.
This is a good time to remind your child to click away quickly from upsetting content they find online. Remind them to come to you and talk about what they’ve seen if it’s on their mind. Promise not to take away their phone or ipad when they tell you about bad content.
Try to limit what they see via parental controls and other means. If you think there may be extra negative content at a particular time, prompt them to take a social media break and play a favorite online game or listen to a playlist instead. Doing activities as a family can minimize the amount of time your child spends scrolling while also providing a sense of safety. Be sure to let your child know that the break from screen time isn’t a punishment.
What if I have anxiety? Or my child does?
In this situation, everyone will have some anxiety. But if you already know you become anxious easily, or you know this about your child, it’s important to keep that in mind. Your history of anxiety has already shown you how you or your child might react.
Use this information! What does your anxiety usually do when you hear bad news? And how do you usually handle that experience? Plan some time to use your best coping skills before and after the conversation with your child.
Anxiety can trick you into thinking the worst.
War brings up a lot of uncertainty. We don’t know what the next weeks, months, or years will look like in Israel, or how we will be affected. Watch out for your anxiety’s tendency to predict the worst.
Anxiety fills in the information gaps with the worst case scenario, and tells you it will happen. Remembering that we don’t know can be a powerful tool. For more on tolerating uncertainty, click here.
Coping strategies for the whole family
Play is a vital source of stress relief for children. While this may not feel like a playful time for you, continuing to laugh and play can be good for you both. Children often need other nonverbal ways to process their feelings, such as music, dance, or art. Keep materials available for your child to use his/her/their go-to strategies. And use them yourself, too!
Take care of your own mental health
Your child’s greatest source of comfort is you. You may feel some guilt during this time about needing time to process your own feelings. But do take that time. Try these coping strategies to bring yourself moments of peace in times of stress.
Use deep breathing and grounding techniques to re-center yourself.
Breathe out tension, breathe in peace to experience inner peace among chaos.
Use body-based strategies to escape racing thoughts.
Try strategies to improve your emotional regulation overall.
Consult a therapist for more support.
Stay active in your relationships
The events in Israel and Gaza hurt us because we are connected to other people. We feel for them. Connections can bring us pain, but they also bring us healing. Having this experience together connects us. Feel the love around you as you spend time with others.
Help your child stay connected too. Your child may or may not feel comfortable talking about their feelings. But being around people they know and like still helps.
And of course, if you need more guidance, reach out. We’re here to support you during this difficult time.
