Grief and Loss in Teens

A Maryland therapist explains how grief may be different for your teen than for you, and how to help

What is normal grief?

It’s a trick question. There is no normal way to grieve. When we think of grief we often think of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief. But Kubler-Ross herself acknowledged that these “stages” aren’t stages at all. They are various ways of coping with illness and loss, which can occur in any order, at any time, and in combination with a vast array of other experiences.

Teens often show their ingenuity and resilience as they cope with loss. They may find creative ways to honor the person they’ve lost, mobilize to help the person’s family, or create art to cope.

At other times they may seem immobilized by the loss, wanting to be left alone with their emotions. They may feel fine and devastated in rapid succession, dismissing the loss as “no big deal” in one moment and appearing tearful about it in another.

The loss of a peer may be especially intense for teens. Here’s why.

Friendships are a teen’s #1 priority.

In the teen years, identity is formed and expressed through associations with peers. This process is important to a teen’s growing sense of self, and lays the foundation for adult relationships.

For this reason, the loss of a friend can make a teens feel like their whole world is crumbling. A peer that they counted on for support is gone, and other friends are experiencing grief too. Suddenly everything feels different. This can be true even if the teen didn’t have a close relationship with the person who died.

When teens lose a friend, they also experience a loss of innocence/naivete.

As teens gain independence and learn the skills they’ll need in adulthood, their world widens. They begin to look toward their own futures. And imagine their dreams becoming reality. Seeing a friend’s life tragically cut short brings awareness that lives can also end badly. Teens may feel vulnerable, and wish that their time to dream could last longer.

Teens can experience survivor’s guilt during times that might otherwise be joyful.

Survivors of an event that caused others to lose their lives often feel guilty that they survived. This is a common experience for survivors of car accidents, school shootings, or other traumatic events. Even without trauma, teens may feel guilty that they survived childhood, lived to attend prom or graduation, or reached other milestones when a friend didn’t.

Teens may also feel that they shouldn’t feel happy or joyful after a loss. It can be helpful to let them know that they’ll probably feel sad sometimes and completely fine at other times. Everyone experiences this. Your teen may even have moments of forgetting that the loss has occurred, followed by sudden moments of realization. Letting them know to expect this can help prevent any guilt they may have about their own grief process.

How to help a grieving teen

Let them talk. This means being around them without asking lots of questions. Just hang out, and let them say what they want to, if and when they want to.

Support grieving rituals. Allow your teen to attend the funeral or sit shiva if they want to, even if it means missing school. The same goes for candlelight vigils or any other events that teens may create to honor the person who has died. Rituals are a common way of coming to terms with death, and teens need them too.

Respect the teen’s discomfort. Maybe your teen would prefer not to participate in rituals. Allow that too. Seeing others’ emotions on display may feel overwhelming to a sensitive teen. Prince Harry recently said this was the hardest part of his mother’s funeral for him.

Let them find their own ways to cope. Teens need to keep some things private, and their ways of grieving may be one of them. Trust that they’re figuring it out in their own way. Only intervene if you see them turning to drugs or alcohol or coping in other ways that put them in danger.

Seek additional help as needed. Encourage your teen to utilize any supports available from the school counselor or other community resources. In Montgomery County that includes the Youth Crisis Hotline. Text or call 301-738-2255 for support. If your teen talks about wanting to die, reach out for help right away. Your teen might also develop new fears in response to the loss, or stop doing activities he/she/they used to enjoy. If these symptoms last beyond when peers seem to feel better, it may be time to consult a counselor.

For more recommendations about helping your teen cope with loss, see our post about staying connected to a child who’s hurting.