Why Doesn’t my Partner Respect my Parenting?
Sharing respect and responsibility as parents is a skill that isn’t really taught. We have access to thousands of parenting books and hundreds of parenting blogs or podcasts, but few address partnering as parents. My search for one turned up this resource, which happens to be written by my second cousin. Your parenting partner may be your spouse, your ex, or someone else. (If it’s your parent, you aren’t parenting partners per se, but you can apply these rules to the tasks you do share.) You may have one parenting partner or five. The same rules apply, and respecting one another is simpler than you think. Share this article with your partner and make a plan together. Let’s start with one basic premise.
Your co-parent is a capable, well-meaning person.
If you don’t believe this to be true, consult a family therapist to discuss next steps. Common reasons to lack trust in a parenting partner include history of violence, a health or mental health condition, or drug or alcohol use. None of these should be managed without the help of a mental health professional. If you can accept that your parenting partner is capable and well-meaning, let’s add another premise.
Your parenting partner is different from you.
This is a strength. Being parented by people with different abilities and ideas exposes children to a greater variety of skills, and can teach them to respect those with differing views. That only happens, though, if you are modeling mutual respect with your parenting partner. Now, for the bad news.
You do things that undermine your parenting partner, even though you don’t mean to.
When you straighten the bow the other parent put in your child’s hair, or rearrange your schedule to handle a task your partner planned to cover, you are sending a message that his/her/their way isn’t good enough. It seems like a very small thing, and it’s difficult to not do it when you’re right there and the bow is crooked and… Yes, I am guilty of this myself. We all are. If you are going to ask your parenting partner not to do this, though, you have to make a REAL effort to not do it yourself. And when you catch yourself doing it anyway, apologize. When your partner catches you, be careful not to get defensive.
Talk about the big things, and follow through on what you decide together.
Ideally, each partner is making an effort to honor any agreed upon values (serving vegetables at every meal, for example). This isn’t possible without some communication about those values. For example, If your partner is a vegetarian and you are not, you’ll have to discuss how to feed your child. If you agree to raise her as a vegetarian, sneaking her some bacon is a major violation of your partner’s trust. If you find yourself tempted to feed her bacon, circle back to your partner with “I’m not feeling completely on board with raising her as a vegetarian. Let’s find a compromise.”
All parenting partners have some value differences in the details (how many or which vegetables are preferred, and whether they belong in a salad or on a pizza). Don’t try to agree about every detail or follow every new idea in your favorite parenting blog. Family values should be about the big picture. Do we or do we not believe our child should do homework (not what time or in what order)? What time will our children go to bed? In families with multiple households, these rules may vary by household. To reduce your stress about it, remember this:
Your child will be parented imperfectly, and he/she/they will be fine.
Both/all of you will make mistakes, and almost none of them can cause permanent damage. The exceptions are physical abuse, emotional abuse (teaching a child he/she isn’t worthy of love or making him/her a target or intense anger or rage), or neglect (depriving the child of basic necessities). If you have doubts about your partner’s ability to manage a particular task, circle back to the basic premise: Your parenting partner is a capable, well-meaning person. This is true even if your parenting partner is your ex and has a massive grudge against you. He/she still wants to be the best possible parent to your child. Don’t take the bait and turn parenting into a competition. Simply do your best during your time and avoid commenting on what the other parent does/doesn’t do.
Decide on the details with this simple rule: The one that does it chooses how.*
This is the core of showing respect for your parenting partner. Adding an idea to the meal he’s cooking or the outfit they chose is criticism. It often doesn’t feel that way to the person adding the idea. In fact, it feels more like joining the creative process or being in it together. It isn’t intended to be critical, but it will still be experienced as critical. When this comes up in therapy, it’s usually one partner asking another “why don’t you trust me to (dress our daughter, feed our son, etc.)?” Partners vary in their sensitivity to this, but ask your partner before you deciding he/she/they are ok with it.
*This does not mean you can violate the rules you agreed upon together when you are the one doing the job. Remember that rules should be broad, leaving the parent on duty to choose the details. This approach also does not work with financial decisions. Decisions about how to fund something should always be separate from decisions about how to implement it. For example, if one partner’s salary is being used to pay for health care, that partner does not get the right to make all the medical decisions.
How do we decide who does it?
In divorced families, the court may have decided for you. Each parent has creative control at his/her own house or on his/her scheduled parenting time. If that means your son has purple hair Monday-Wednesday and natural hair Thursday-Saturday, so be it. This is also true, to an extent, for parenting partners living under the same roof. When you are there, you handle it. When both of you are there, the parent that responds first is the one handling the task. For example, the parent that gets up with the crying baby at night is the one choosing how to put him back to sleep.
If you have a very strong opinion about how something should be done, volunteer to be the one doing it.
Spoiler alert: if you try to do things yourself 100% of the time, you will exhaust yourself and be less present as a parent. Realistically, you are going to need someone else to take care of it once in a while. For example, let’s say you care deeply about following your baby’s sleep routine consistently. You’re willing to always be the one getting up in the middle of the night so that the baby is put back to sleep in exactly the same way every time. When you get sick and need more sleep or need to travel away from baby for work, you must accept that it will be done differently in your absence. It’s ok to ask your partner to follow your plan, as long as you respect his/her right to use his/her own judgement in the moment. Return to doing it your way when you return to the task.
If you and your parenting partner are struggling to resolve differences or having trouble following through on your parenting plans, remember that therapy could help you sort it out. Better Together Family Therapy is here to help. Click here to schedule a consultation.
