Overcoming Homework Battles

Tips from a Maryland Licensed Family Therapist

It’s September and homework is in full swing.   And the process of completing homework is a significant stressor for most families we meet.  Parent-child conflict at home is on the rise this time of year.

Is this battle really worth it?  (Whether you believe it is or it isn’t, this post is for you.)

Modern educators often debate the value of homework. For young children especially, the developmental benefits of free play are far better established than the benefits of homework. And you only have so many hours in the day! 

If you are feeling strongly that homework is interfering with your child’s quality of life, talk with the school about what you’d like to do instead.  Some local elementary schools have discontinued homework completely. Yours may be more flexible about it than you think. 

Be sure to get your child’s perspective first, though.  You may be surprised to find that your 3rd grader who fights against doing homework every night would feel embarrassed about not turning any in. 

Whether or not you change your stance on homework, there are things you can do.  Families see an instant improvement in parent-child relationships when parents learn to coach their children through difficult tasks.

If you can help your child get going at homework time (or chore time), you’re joining his/her/their team. And cooperation at other times may follow.

Why is doing homework (or chores) so hard?

Many childhood tasks (homework, room cleaning, and other chores) require sustained effort.  Applying effort over a period of time is a skill. And this skill depends on the development of good executive function.

Executive function depends on the prefrontal cortex. Which develops fully by age… 25. More like 28 in kids with ADHD.

In other words, most school aged kids aren’t ready to do long, difficult tasks on their own! You’ll need to help them in their work process.   They’ll need help to get started, and to keep going when they get stuck.

To help your child most effectively, it’s important to understand what happens when he/she tries to work.  We use a metaphor called “Big Job Mountain” to illustrate a child’s work process.

Imagine riding a bicycle up a steep hill.   You’ll need to pedal on the flat ground leading up to the hill to gather momentum.  Starting homework works the same way.

To gather momentum for homework or room cleaning, your child needs to energize the brain. Physical activity plays an important role in brainpower. So try doing jumping jacks, pushups, or outdoor play before the homework actually starts.

Be sure to allow time for this. Or start at a time when your child has been active and is naturally ready to work.  Offer a snack or set one at the homework station. And gather all homework materials in a distraction-free place. 

All of these steps are part of getting the homework done. And you’ll need to lead your child through them until they learn how to warm up on their own.  (Practice does lead to mastery of this skill.)

Have you gathered some momentum?   Now your child’s ready to face Big Job Mountain. (See video example above!)

Can Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Help?

Remember that hill you were biking up? If it’s really steep, you’ll likely grind to a halt partway up. And need a short break before getting going again. 

Work grinds to a halt when a child doesn’t understand the next instruction. Or begins thinking negative thoughts. “This is too hard!”  “I’ll never finish!”  “I can’t do this.”

In cognitive behavioral language these thoughts are called “automatic negative thoughts.” 

With kids, we like to call them “stop thoughts” because they stop your child’s work on the task at hand.  We turn them into “go thoughts” (words of encouragement your child can say to him/her/theirself).

Your child may also stop when she fails to see the patterns in the process (clothes belong in the hamper and toys belong in the toy box).

Or when he/she/they doesn’t see how to break the longer task into smaller steps. Or put the steps in order.  These are called Executive Function breakdowns, and can happen to any child.   

For children with executive function difficulties, learning differences, or ADHD, these breakdowns will be more frequent.    For all children, they will likely cause a shift in focus from the homework or chore to the frustration he/she is feeling.   

We call this shift “Frustration Point,” and mark it on the map of Big Job Mountain.   The mountain nearly always has at least one of these. For assignments that take your child longer to finish, there will be more.

Because your child’s brain isn’t as developed as yours, you might be the first to notice that he/she/they have gotten stuck. Use your most patient voice and check what negative thoughts your child may be thinking. 

You’ll need to trade any “stop thoughts” for “go thoughts” such as “maybe I can figure it out,” “I’ve come so far already,” or “just a few steps left to go!” 

After a frustration point your child may need to gather momentum to start again.  Try doing some full body movement such as jumping jacks, pushups, monkey bars, or swinging. Grab a drink of water. Or laugh at a funny video together.

Switching tasks like this might also help your child let go of those stop thoughts. If not, try listing the stop thoughts on paper. Then flip the page and write go thoughts on the other side. Keep the “go” side up when it’s work time.

If your child is still stuck, he/she/they may need your help to identify the next step. Or to get organized again before continuing.  (Click here to learn how to help your child with homework you don’t understand.)   Then keep climbing Big Job Mountain until the next frustration point.   

This process of stopping and restarting repeats until the task is complete. Or until you need a longer break from the effort (stopping for the night and resuming tomorrow, for example).

If the frustration isn’t improving or homework time often ends in a fight, try requesting a parenting consult. We’re happy to help!