Why Does My Child Argue with Me? A Family Therapist's Answer

"Stop arguing with me! I am the parent and you need to do what I'm telling you. If you talk back again you'll lose your screen time." If this is you, you're not alone.

Earlier this week I committed the cardinal sin of therapist parenting.  I yelled at my child. For being anxious. 

You might think a child therapist would be immune to that.   I’m not.  When my own child runs off the rails, sometimes I do too.  (I feel you, parents, I really do!)

Because of my work I know that my daughter was anxious. But on the surface she was being argumentative.   Arguing has a special power to bring out the worst in parents.   

My daughter said it best.   “It doesn’t help that you YELLED at me at the top of your lungs!”  She’s right, of course.

But I got defensive.  “That was definitely not the top of my lungs.  I have bigger lungs than that…    but you’re right and I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

That mid-sentence pivot is my saving grace.  I use it all the time.  It’s my best tool when I’m in the middle of meltdown city (my meltdown, that is). 

I take a moment to notice what I am doing. Then I can start to repair and recover. I’ll use this article to give you that superpower too.

It starts with understanding why children argue or “talk back.”  Stress or frustration about something happening at home, at school, or with friends is the prime suspect. 

Children often lack the language skills or confidence to tell us directly that something is bothering them. Especially if it’s important.  Pick a calm moment to ask your child if something is bothering her or on his mind. 

If that isn’t the answer, consider what you know about your child and see whether any of the following might fit:

School and Family Stress

“I’m not going.”

“But you love gymnastics. You begged me to sign you up.”

“No I didn’t.  I never even liked it.”

What’s Happening:  He’s feeling overscheduled.  She’s growing and needs a second lunch NOW.  They need an extra cuddle or your focused attention to feel secure today.   It’s all coming out in an overly demanding “hangry” voice.

Suggested Response: A few deep breaths and a snack and/or break can do wonders.   Take 5 minutes to lie back and look at the clouds together. Before jumping into the next thing (even if it’ll make you late for soccer practice).  

Get the snack she’s asking for.  Snuggle for a moment or rock out to a favorite song together.   Take a high energy movement break. 

Not sure what your child needs?  What you’re feeling might be a clue.  Are you hungry, tired, frantic?   Do the remedy activity for yourself and invite your child to join in.

Imperfect Impulse Control

“You forgot your lunch.”

“No I didn’t.”

What’s Happening:  Impulse control errors are a normal function of a young brain.  Especially if your child has ADHD. But even if he doesn’t.

This is why your child says “It wasn’t me” when you catch him red-handed.   You’re getting his first, unfiltered, defensive response. And it’s probably untrue.  

He may even double down and add details. To avoid the embarrassment of having to correct his first answer.

Suggested Response:  Be careful not to react to the “lying.”  Remember that this response was a reflex. Help your child slow down and do better.  

Offer do-overs.   Ask “is that what you meant to say?” in a calm, supportive voice.  Pick up a pretend remote and rewind.

Say “let’s start that conversation over” or “I think we were about to fight.  Let’s try again.”  Avoid arguing back, or catch yourself arguing back and say “oops.”  Do-overs are for parents too.

Anxiety

“This permission slip is due today.”

“No it isn’t!  You don’t know anything!”

What’s Happening: The permission slip was actually due yesterday. You’re confident that turning it in today is fine.  This child isn’t. 

She is afraid she’ll get in trouble for turning it in late. Or is a very concrete thinker. And sees doing it yesterday as the only safe option. 

Now she’s trapped and scared.  When your child seems to want to control how you do something. Or tells you you’re wrong. Anxiety is to blame.

Suggested Response:  Unpack the feelings behind the argument.   Try this language, with time for your child to answer after each question.  “It sounds like I got that wrong.  What am I missing?”

“What would happen if we turn it in today?  Does that feel too hard or too scary?  What would help?”

Needing to Feel Powerful

“You need to put your backpack away.”

“No I don’t.  You’re not the boss of me.”

What’s Happening:  Childhood is stressful.  Every day brings brand new lessons. Someone else is always in charge.  

Children need to assert their independence. And do things their own way. But they lack diplomacy.

The Response:  Resist the temptation to argue back.  Calmly restate your first request. Let the child know what will happen if it isn’t done. 

For example “Please put the backpack away.  You can have your tablet after you do it, but not before.”   Then look for ways to offer your child more leadership or autonomy at home.

Trying to be Funny or Clever

“Please pick up the balls.”

“You can’t say balls.”

What’s Happening:  Kids calibrate their senses of humor according to peer reactions. What’s hilarious to a second grader can be obnoxious to adults.

Suggested Response:  “Very funny.  Pick them up, please.”  Your priority in this moment is to get the task done. So just get back to it. 

If the joke was offensive, let your child know that others’ feelings might be hurt. Or they might be grossed out by that joke.  Then challenge him to think of 2 other funny things to say instead.

What else could it be?

If the arguing is happening over and over. Look for big picture changes you could make to your child’s week.  Plan to do some relaxation activities as part of your daily routine. Or lighten the activity load if downtime is the problem. 

Add opportunities to connect and play together.  If nothing seems to help, your child’s mood may be playing a role.  Seek the advice of a licensed therapist to rule out childhood depression or another concern.