As parents we have strong protective instincts.   We worry about whether our children will be safe from bullying, get enough of the teacher’s time, and enjoy going to school.  We wait nervously to find out if our children got the treasured teacher or the one that yells, and inspect the class list for *that* student, the one who might say something impulsive or need more of the teacher’s attention.  So what should we do when another child impulsively breaks our child’s favorite pencil, can’t stop kicking the back of her chair, or otherwise disrupts the teacher’s efforts to keep the peace?

Team up with the teacher to stop bullying behavior.

If the repeated behavior of a peer or group of peers is making your child feel intimidated, afraid, or excluded at school, he is experiencing bullying.  This should always be reported to the teacher and school counselor.   Examples include blocking your child from opening his locker or getting on the bus, leading a group of peers in excluding him on purpose, threatening to hurt him, etc.   When bullying happens, school staff can address the situation with all students involved and take direct action to prevent a recurrence.

Remember that behavior problems are an expected part of childhood.

Most classroom behavior issues are not bullying.   It’s natural for children to become annoyed or frustrated with one another during the school day.   They are all developing impulse control and social skills at different rates and testing out their abilities with their classmates.   Social and behavioral missteps are part of the process, and present great opportunities for our children to learn about empathy and self advocacy.

Lead by example.

We are our children’s primary role models, so our own empathy and self advocacy are important parts of our children’s learning experience.  When a child is acting out in your child’s class, ask yourself what it’s like to be the parent of that child.   Would you want the parents in the class talking to each other about your child rather than to you?   Focus on problem solving rather than gossiping, and include the challenging child and her parents in group social events as much as possible.  If you learned about the classroom behavior issue from someone other than your child, remember that it may not be bothering her.   Tell your child what you heard and ask “is that what happened?  How did you feel about it?”   Sometimes our children are more patient or accepting than we expect, and might feel fine about something that bothered us.

Teach your child to respond with empathy and advocate for himself.

Teach your child empathy by asking him “what do you think it’s like to be [NAME]?  What would you want your friends to do if you were him?”   Leading with empathy will help your child advocate for himself in ways that are more easily heard, and will pave the way for him to forgive himself for his own social mistakes too.   Your child may have already begun to advocate for himself by telling you about the problem he was having with this peer.   To advance his learning further, help him think about his own power in the situation.  Ask “do you think [other child] knows how you feel about this?  What could you say to her about it?”  When your child tries talking to the peer about it, he learns that his experience matters and the classmate learns that her behavior has an impact on others.

Ask if he needs your help.

If your child is feeling afraid to speak up when he’s having a problem at school, help him enlist the help of others by asking “do you need someone else’s help to solve this problem?  Who could you ask for help?  What could you say?”   Wrap up your conversation with “Do you need me to also tell the teacher about this?  What would you like me to tell her?”   You’ll be surprised how often your child says “no thanks.”

Team up with the teacher, again.

If you have concerns about an ongoing situation that isn’t getting better, model self advocacy by talking directly to the teacher about your concerns.  Remember to stay focused on the specific impact the situation is having on your child, as this is the problem the teacher will be looking to solve.   He/she has limited control over the development of another student but can sometimes make changes to mitigate the impact on others while the student is learning impulse control or social skills.