Dating After Divorce: Putting Your Kids First

Dating after divorce can be complicated, especially when children are involved.  Parents can and should assuage their children’s fears by giving honest answers to the questions that arise, and taking the process one step at a time.   We recently participated in a panel discussion on this topic for Montgomery County Cable.   Read on for our answers to some of the questions that came up.   Click here to see the panel discussion in full.

How do you know if you are ready to date after a divorce?

Remember that dating may lead to a relationship, so it’s wise to take some time to heal before entering your next romance.  If you find yourself rehashing moments from your previous relationship in your mind, or reaching out to your ex for a hookup or other social activities, you are still involved with him or her.  Replace those activities with something new like time with friends, a meetup group, a sports league, a class.  When you are having a joyful life without your ex, you’re ready for more.

How do you avoid choosing the wrong partner again?

If you want this one to end differently, you’ll need to be different than you were with your ex.   Consider what you might have done differently or better (regardless of what your partner did wrong), and try to grow in those areas.   Common ones include listening more, taking a break to calm down when you get upset rather than continuing a fight, being more responsible for your own happiness, having better work/life balance, and setting different boundaries with extended family.  This is a good time to go to therapy, but choose a therapist with LCMFT after their name or a formal certification in couples’ therapy.  These therapists have the skills to get you ready for a healthier relationship.  If you’re felling really fearful about making the same mistake again, it may be a sign that you’re not quite ready yet.

How can you divorce-proof your next relationship?

When you split up with your ex, you took apart a two piece puzzle.  If you go looking for your next partner without changing anything about yourself, you’re only going to fit into the same puzzle again.   (Looking for the opposite of your ex is like flipping over the puzzle piece without changing the shape).  Strengthen yourself so you’re ready to build a healthier partnership.   Active listening skills and the ability to self soothe are critical.  Try reading “Growing Yourself Up” by Jenny Brown to understand how to be your best self in a variety of relationships.   Once you’re with a partner, John Gottman has defined some very clear strategies for staying connected, including consistently “turning toward” or accepting invitations for connection.  Participating in Marriage Enrichment through an organization like BetterMarriages.org can also help.   If there has been a serious breach of trust, addiction, or violence in your relationship, therapy with a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist is a must.

How can you handle other people’s opinions about your relationship, especially when they are hoping you’ll get back together with your ex?

Empathize.  “I know this change is really hard.  It’s hard for me sometimes too but I have to move forward in my life.”

Be clear.  “I have chosen to end that relationship and that isn’t going to change.”

Ask directly for support  “I’m making the choice that is right for me, and I hope you’ll support me in making my own decision.”

If they won’t let it go, calmly end the conversation.  “I hear your concerns, but I’m not going to talk about it any more.”

If your ex has been a part of the family, don’t try to control others’ relationships with him or her.   Your mom meeting your ex for coffee may be her way of saying goodbye.

When and how should I tell my children I am dating again?

Children need to know that there is enough room in your life and your heart for them and for other relationships (family, friends, romantic partners).   You show them they matter by having honest conversations with them before they find out accidentally. When you are dating casually, it’s ok to let them know you’re going out to have fun with other adults and meet new people.  ALWAYS be clear that your grownup time won’t take away from their time with you. If they ask about you marrying someone else, a simple “I’m not ready for that yet” is good.  Always follow up with “and I will tell you if that ever changes in the future.”  When things start to get serious (several months of exclusive dating with no major problems at a minimum), it’s time to start letting your kids form a friendship with this person.  The younger your child, the longer you should wait.

How do I introduce my child to my new partner?

Only do this when you are sure that your new partner has realistic expectations about his/her relationship with your children.  Tell your children that you’d like them to meet someone you have been dating.  Answer their questions honestly (but don’t predict marriage) and reassure them that this person won’t take away your time with them.  Don’t forget to tell their other parent that you are introducing someone new, and be prepared to address his/her fears and questions honestly and calmly.

When you’ve done all of that, I recommend planning an outing to go on together.  Stay focused on your children during the outing (limit the displays of affection) and schedule separate dating time.  (Keep this pattern after marriage, too!)  Remember that you’re asking them to allow a new person into their family, and though you have moved on from their other parent, they have not (and should not).   Go slow, and don’t expect them to love your new partner or treat him/her as a parent.  Those pieces will develop slowly over time as you work through the issues that come up.

What if my child is mean or rude to my new partner?

Behavior is communication, especially in this case,  Acting out toward your partner is a way of expressing loyalty to their other parent or telling you that the introduction of a new person is going too fast.  Slow it down, spend more quality time with your child, and reassure him/her that the new partner never can replace his/her other parent.   When the behavior crosses the line, set limits that are focused on the behavior not the person. (“it’s not ok to hit people” not “you can’t hurt my girlfriend.”)

When is it a good idea to seek couples therapy?

Couples therapy can be very helpful to strengthen a new relationship from the beginning, especially if there are coparenting issues involved.   Beyond that if you hit a point where frustration is mounting or one or both partners is regularly feeling negative toward the other, find a therapist.  If an argument gets physical or you are turning to alcohol or drugs to cope, get help immediately.  These patterns don’t change on their own.

How do I find a qualified couples therapist?

Couples therapy is about healing from past hurts and setting up positive relationship patterns for the future.  If you don’t have any healing to do and you just want to build new skills, taking a class or seeing a coach is fine.  When you do want to do some healing (or need to to move forward), it’s important to find a therapist with the right qualifications.  A therapy license is not a guarantee that the therapist is qualified to do couples work and seeing a couples therapist without proper training can do damage to the relationship.  Try www.TherapistLocator.net for a listing of Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists, look for the LCMFT after their name, or ask your Psychologist, Counselor, or Social Worker what couples therapy certification they hold.   Certification programs for The Gottman Method, Emotionally Focused Therapy, and Imago Therapy and are the most common in our area.