Things Seem Better... So Why Am I Feeling So Stressed?
Wisdom from a Maryland Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Spring has sprung. The vaccine is here. So why are we feeling more stress rather than less?
The reasons have to do with our amazing ability to cope. And our body’s ability to hold emotions until we have space for them.
This year has been one of constant adjustment. We have done everyday things in new and different ways. We relaxed our vigilance and then renewed it again.
We got ready to go back to school… then didn’t… then did. We updated our plans, our knowledge, and our goals. Again and again.
To do this, we had to shift into survival mode. Our perspective narrowed to shut out the things we couldn’t or wouldn’t do. Our routines shifted to include updating our knowledge of test positivity rates and vaccine distributions.
And maybe, if we were really rocking this pandemic parenting thing, we also tracked our children’s lists of missing assignments. (I may or may not be bribing mine with brownies to get those assignments done.)
We have been engaging all of our mental and emotional resources to keep up. Family Therapists see this happen all the time, as families navigate moments of crisis.
We’ve been pulling the adulting equivalent of an all-nighter. Remember those nights in college? Cramming for a final or writing a term paper with no sleep at all? You felt ok in the middle of it. But that next day was brutal.
Maybe you didn’t pull all-nighters, but you’ve had a hectic week at a work conference. Or run a marathon. Or performed or presented onstage to an intimidating audience.
Your body got you through those moments. In survival mode. But when it was over, the emotion of it all likely caught up with you.
This is the moment we are currently approaching. That huge exhale that comes with a surprising burst of feeling. We’re starting to feel hints of it. While we’re also still facing the next round of change.
It’s happening now because we have a little bit of hope. We’re starting to shift back out of survival mode. To notice bits of our more familiar selves.
We’re also feeling it now because we’re approaching an anniversary date. It’s been a year since this all began. We remember what we were doing then. And how blissfully unaware we were of the changes to come.
Anniversary dates have a way of rekindling the pain of a past event. They’re like bookmarks in our calendar, that somehow hold our place in grief. So we’re feeling that too. Shadows of those early emotions are visiting us.
I remember lying in bed those first few weeks, still feeling disbelief that this was actually happening. That experience is a common part of the grieving process. Waking up feeling normal and then suddenly remembering.
Counselors Say We’re Waking Up from a Year of Trauma
We’re all waking up now. From a year in which we felt different.
We felt different because our brains did function differently. That’s what they do. When they have to.
That difference made it harder to focus and switch between tasks. And harder to feel the full range of our emotions. You may have felt stuck in sadness or anger. Or disengaged. Or numb.
You might have felt strangely ok about things that were not ok. You might also have learned something about what keeps you going. You learned the value of your exercise routine, your social time, your friends.
And now that you know, you’re extra desperate to get back to those routines. Or maybe you’re dreading the scheduling struggle that returning to “normal” might bring.
I, personally, am feeling like I’m about to send my babies off to kindergarten for the first time. (They’re 9 and 14). And I’m pretty sure I’m gonna cry.
Whatever you’re feeling, you’re likely feeling it more than you did a month ago. Your fully emotional self is coming out of hibernation. And that’s ok. It’s a good thing even.
Advice from a Family Therapist in Maryland
Remember to let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling. Journal about it. Meditate. Sit outside with the sun on your face. Or savor some solitude in a long run or bath.
Give yourself space to be with your emotions. And sit with your kids through theirs. You may notice them getting more emotional now, too. (The post on back to school anxiety is coming next week).
If your stress feels acute or urgent, try zooming out to the big picture. Notice the stresses you’ve already navigated. And envision the time when this one is in the past too.
Did this stress make us more resilient?
Probably yes.
I recently heard someone say that we think of traumatic stress as producing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), but most of the time it actually produces increased resilience. And the research agrees. PTSD is a response to trauma, but it’s not the most common response.
Most of the time, extreme stress pushes us to grow. (Don’t get me wrong. I am not in any way saying that we should expose ourselves to more trauma. Trauma is not the most efficient path to resilience.) But it is, more often than not, a path to resilience.
Take a moment to reflect on any growth you’ve seen in yourself this year. What are you better at? What have you let go of? What have you embraced?
You get to bring these changes with you. To discover what the new you can do in a world that’s less shut-down. I’m excited to see what happens next.
