Building up the Love Bank
Strengthen Your Marriage with this Tool from Gottman Couples Therapy
The best partnerships have a pretty high positive to negative ratio. 20:1 positive to negative interactions in non-conflict times according to John Gottman, Ph.D. That feels high. Thankfully it happens to be pretty easy.
One of the main ways to have a positive interaction is to turn toward your partner in their bids for you. What I mean by “bid” is when your partner is trying to connect with you. Not only the Hollywood movie-style, grand gestures, but the small ones at the grocery store such as “do we need milk?” and your partner answers you “I think so let’s grab a gallon”.
We’re constantly making bids for each other’s attention. This looks like bids for affection, support, or even humor.
When we tend to turn toward our partners that creates the “basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life”
-John Gottman in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Gottman calls each of these times we turn toward our partner, putting money in the “emotional bank account”.
You could call that the Love Bank Account or Marriage Bank Account. Whatever you prefer.
Why Adult ADHD May Deplete Your Love Bank
Distractibility is a defining feature of ADHD. As an adult with ADHD, you may not notice your partner’s bids for connection. Especially if your partner doesn’t deliberately get your attention first. This can lead to a lot of accidental missed connections. ADHD can also sometimes lead to forgotten or poorly planned holiday celebrations. All of this may leave your partner feeling neglected.
On the flip side, you actually have a talent for attending fully to your partner. When you are hyperfocused on him/her/them, everything else fades away. Your partner likely remembers this experience from the beginning of your relationship. And liked it.
Bring back the hyper-focused feeling
One of the biggest ways to reconnect or add money to the “love bank” is by reuniting at the end of the day. And talking about how it went. Other simple ideas of ways to add to your partner’s love bank include:
Cooking dinner or baking together (or for your partner)
Call or text the other throughout the workday
Order takeout
Listen to music together
Exercise together (see if those walks you do daily you can do together)
Plan your future together. Dream of places you’d like to go or activities you’d like to try
Help each other with a self-improvement plan (e.g. a new class, exercise, hobby, a new career).
Do yard work, shovel the walk, or otherwise work outside together
Team up to do home repairs, car maintenance and washing, or other tasks
Shop together for groceries, gifts or clothes
The point is to notice how you can be turning toward each other and trying to connect. How you can give.
On the flip side, noticing how your partner has been giving or connecting with you is important. Simply thanking them for it has great benefits. They feel appreciated and seen. And that is money in the bank.
I challenge you to do one thing a day for or with your partner. Every day this week. If you need more ideas, we have them here.