"The Talk:" Talking with Kids about Racism, Racial Injustice, and Police Brutality

Today is the one year anniversary of the tragic death of George Floyd. Let’s take a moment of silence to mourn his loss, and the needless losses of so many other people of color in our nation and across the globe.

Then let’s break the silence and get talking. With our kids.

We are still reeling from the unexpected events of the year 2020. A pandemic, and a movement against racial injustice swept the nation and the world.

Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, Elijah McClain, Ahmaud Arbery. These are only a few names that sparked protest. As a result, many parents wonder how to talk about racial injustice with their children.

How do we have these conversations? The most important thing is to consider the child's age. Children begin to recognize racial differences as young as 3 months old. By kindergarten age, they learn to associate some racial groups with a higher status than others.

Today, children may see racial incidents on tv, social media, or on the internet. Early conversations about race can improve their racial attitudes in adulthood.

Talking to Kids About Racism: An Age by Age Guide

Ages 0-5: Children here recognize physical differences like skin color and hair texture. As they learn to talk, they may point out differences. Parents can teach their children by exposing them to a diverse environment.

Children can learn about acceptance by watching their parents interact with other racial and ethnic groups. Parents can also promote acceptance by encouraging children to have diverse friend groups.

Older kids in this range begin to understand the concept of fairness. This is the time to begin talks about racism. Emphasize that racism is unfair and unacceptable. They can prevent it by treating everyone with kindness, no matter their skin color.

Do not explain away acts of racism with statements like "the person was just angry.” Set the tone that racism will not be tolerated.

Kids are likely to attribute positive traits to people of their race and negative qualities to others. Children may say, "Her hair is funny looking." Parents should respond calmly, saying: “Her hair is not funny looking; it is beautiful and unique like yours." Use these opportunities to counter stereotypes by teaching them about the contributions made by people of color.

Ages 6-11: At this age, children become more eager for answers and are exposed to more information. Kids may also begin to notice biased views among their friends and family. The good news is kids at this age can articulate their feeling so parents can allow them to guide the conversation.

 At this age, children become more eager for answers and are exposed to more information. Kids may also begin to notice biased views among their friends and family. The good news is kids at this age can articulate their feeling so parents can allow them to guide the conversation.

 Parents can ask about what their kids see on the internet, at school, and at home. Listen and ask open-ended questions to make room for dialogue. Discuss the media together and talk openly about racism, diversity, and inclusivity. Keep these conversations simple and honest, even sharing your own experiences with race, as appropriate.

Having such open conversation builds trust and encourages children to approach parents with questions. If the child sees you as a trusted source, they are likely to come to you for help.

For many families of color, this is the age to begin talks about how to interact with law enforcement. Children may hear about police incidents and wonder if it can happen to them or someone in their town.

Do not make empty promises. Resist the urge to say things like: “What happened in Ferguson would never happen here.” Such statements can be dismissive and provide a false sense of safety. Instead, let the child know that you love them and that there are adults who are working to keep them safe.”

Mention the role police officers play and their benefits to society. Help them understand that sometimes police interactions do not go as they should, and sometimes people get hurt.

Practice with children what to do when a police officer approaches them. For example, following the officer’s instructions, keeping your hands visible, not running away, and speaking in a respectful tone.

These conversations are bound to bring up intense emotions. Parents should be validating and reassuring, letting the child know that they are loved and protected. Remember, these conversations occur over time, and it is okay to take a break from them if needed.

Age 12 and above: Let’s be honest. Kids at this age know more parents think they do. Even more, they begin to have and express strong emotions on many topics.

Continue to have open conversations with them. Learn about what they know about race and racism. Discuss what they have learned from school, tv, social media, and their friends.

Find various opportunities, such as current events, to have discussions. Seek to understand their perspective and help expand their thinking. Children at this age are likely to verbalize their thoughts on social media. Teach them that that they are responsible for what they say on social media.

If you find your child is engaging in hate speech, speak up. Keep the conversations open, listen to their perspective, but do not condone hate speech or bias.

Separate the action from the person. For example, “I don’t think you're a hateful person, but what you tweeted was inappropriate. Have you thought about it this way…?” Do not hesitate to offer alternate forms of thinking and help them see how their words or actions can impact others.

Continue discussing police brutality with teenagers. Teens are more likely to understand the role discrimination, prejudice, and implicit bias play in how police officers interact with persons of color.  It can be helpful to provide historical and personal examples.

The Bottom Line: Regardless of your child’s age, balance acknowledging the reality of racism and inequality with messages about the possibility of change. This isn’t easy, so have some patience with yourself.

You don’t have to have all the answers, and you may not know what to say. That’s okay! How you approach discussions about race will evolve and grow just as your child does. If anything, strive to create an environment of trust and openness where your child can come to you.

This post was authored by guest columnist Phyllis Agyapong. Phyllis is a pre-licensed Marriage and Family Therapist working toward her clinical license. She holds a Masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Purdue University and specializes in treating couples and families.

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