The Lesson I Learned in Preschool… and Still Use As A Child Therapist

I recently returned to working professionally with young children and families after a long hiatus. Working with children and parents is something I was meant to do. But I didn’t always know that.

If I’m being honest my professional work with children started accidentally. I have always loved children and had an empathetic heart for them. But could I actually earn a living this way? I didn’t think so.

Then I found myself the mother of two preschool aged children. Preschool for two is EXPENSIVE. And I definitely didn’t have the funds. The preschool Director, who I had come to know quite well for the past two years, said “Sonja I’ve seen you with your own kids and their friends. I think you’d make an amazing teacher.” I wasn’t sure that I shared her confidence. But I decided to give it a try. 

I started out teaching the twos class. And while I learned a lot, it was not the best fit. (Maybe that’s part of what I learned!) I remember thinking “this is just too much chaos and too much pressure.” As parents, we can all relate to that!

And we don’t all have a mentor to turn to. In this case, I went to the Director and asked “are you sure you think I can do this?'' She smiled calmly and said “yes, I would never put you in the classroom if I didn’t.” Her trust helped me trust myself. I jumped back in.

In what felt like forever, but was really a few weeks, my co-teacher and I found our stride. And by the end of the year I was amazed at the kids' yearbook of completed works.  I took that experience with me into my work with older preschoolers. I spent the next six years teaching pre-K and loving it. 

As parents we often feel this same fear, the same doubt about our competence.  We wonder if we can handle this.  We jump in anyway.  Because we have to.  Our kids are counting on us to show them the way.  And then our kids show us their toughest behaviors.  And we get stuck.  It happens to us all.  Yes, even child therapists feel this way.  To be honest, I was feeling it this week!

Despite many years of preparation, education, and training, I found myself in panic mode. Did I make the right decision returning to work with young children and their families? I mean who am I to tell others what to do? I have never professed to be ‘mother of the year' and I don’t think of myself as an expert. Maybe I had fooled myself into thinking that I could help families in crisis.

Then inspiration struck. I thought of a quote that I learned early as a teacher that often guided my thoughts and behavior when encountering challenging children.  “The children who need love the most will always ask for it in the most unloving ways.”

A huge smile crossed my face and I started to laugh. I wasn’t laughing because I find the quote funny.  I laughed because this was a cornerstone in my approach as a preschool teacher.  And after all these years I had still panicked and forgotten my fundamentals. 

It took me a moment to remember what Dr. Ross Greene says “kids will do well if they can.'' That means that if they aren’t doing well, then perhaps it’s because they don’t know how.   This moment at work had reminded me of my own parenting challenges.  With my own neurodiverse children.  I remember the feelings of not being ‘good enough’ like it was yesterday.  

Thankfully, I also remember that it turned out ok in the end. And that listening to myself, my mentors, and my children almost always gets me unstuck. As parents, teachers, caregivers, that’s easy to forget.

We forget to slow down. To listen. We focus on the behavior and not what our little ones are trying to tell us. They don’t have the language or the insight to say “Mom, I don’t feel safe.” Or “Dad when you call me lazy, that really hurts me and I start to believe at my core that I am bad”.   

It’s a mistake that we ALL make. We are torn in a million different directions.  And often miss the subtle requests for love and attention. So our children react with big gestures and big emotions.  Looking for connection.  We don’t see a request. We see a demand. Misbehavior. Disrespect.

This isn’t easy. Parenting is hard.  Children are wildly unique.  No one book has the answer for all children or every situation.   Sometimes we, as parents, need someone to walk this path with us. Someone who has been there and believes in us.

Sometimes that person is a counselor or therapist. We’re lucky to have so many great Play Therapists, Child Psychologists, and Parenting Coaches here in Montgomery County!

Coming to therapy with your child takes courage.  It requires what Brene Brown calls “daring greatly:” the courage to be vulnerable.  To show up and be seen.

When you show up I’ll be right here with you.  I have the training and experience.  And YOU are the experts on your children.   Together we’ll work through the tough stuff.  We’ll find solutions that will work for you and your family. 

And sometimes we will both need to remember what we learned in preschool.