When “How Do You Feel?” is a Hard Question
How do I find my feelings? A Maryland Therapist explains
Your emotions are present, even when you can’t easily identify them. But traditional talk therapy can be difficult when you can’t find your emotions. “How did you feel about that?” becomes a hard question. Underneath the “angry, frustrated, or annoyed” there is so much more. But how do you find it? First, you have to feel truly safe.
Feeling truly safe may not be a familiar experience. You live a busy life, running from thing to thing. You rarely have time to slow down and be at peace. Or slowing down may bring up feelings you don’t want to feel. It feels easier to jump into the next activity or idea, than to stay present with yourself. You’ll find no judgement here. We all have that experience. And you may have additional reasons to feel that way.
The Role of Trauma
When you have experienced trauma, feeling ordinary feelings can become triggering. They bring you back to places and times where you didn’t feel safe. You may get very good at avoiding all emotion, just in case. But those feelings keep coming back up. And they start affecting your relationships.
The Body Keeps the Score
When you go through a traumatic event, your body takes a snapshot of your experience in that moment. The sensations you feel are recorded in your nervous system. Your body floods with stress hormones. Your thinking brain shuts down.
When you experience a situation that reminds your body of that time, your body re-runs the whole script. Stress hormones return. Your brain is flooded and you can’t think. You feel panicky and unsafe.
Training Your Nervous System to Feel Safe
Your thinking isn’t clear because of the stress you’re feeling. So we have to start with the body. We might call this a “bottom up approach.” When we do this, we are giving our body positive time and attention. We are creating new scripts to run.
Do a Body Scan to Manage Anxiety
If at any time the body scan doesn’t feel good or safe, stop. Notice where you feel the pain or discomfort, and place a healing hand on that spot. Then take a moment to do something that does feel good for you.
Start with your feet. Make sure they are planted on the ground. Notice how that feels. Can you feel the floor supporting you? Bring your attention up through your legs and into your torso, noticing any areas of tightness. Do you notice any places of pain or discomfort? Is this new pain? Something familiar? Just notice it. There’s no need to fix it. (If it makes you want to stretch or shift, that’s perfectly fine.)
Notice your breathing, your heartbeat. Notice any thoughts that come up for you. Direct your attention across your shoulders and through your hands. Notice any places that draw your attention. Bring your focus up through your neck and into your head. Feel the breeze on your face. Does anything feel especially warm or cool? Do the muscles in your face feel tense or relaxed?
Mindfulness is supposed to help with my ADHD, but I hate deep breathing!
This is a comment that clients and parents report all the time. Dr. Ned Hallowell, M.D. often describes ADHD as having a “Ferrari brain with bicycle brakes”. Though deep breathing would help to calm the mind the “engine” (brain) might not be willing to slow down long enough to give it a try.
Mindfulness is the concept of focusing your awareness on the present, while intentionally acknowledging the information that your senses are feeding you. All of this should be done without self- judgement so you can be free to identify your emotions.
There are many other ways to practice mindfulness that don’t require breathing or meditation. Some easy examples might be: taking a walk, coloring, drawing, writing, cooking, playing or listening to music. The key to mindfulness is not to be still but to focus on your senses:
How do the leaves sound when you walk on them?
What vibration do you feel as you run your pen or pencil across the paper?
What are the different spices you can smell in the food?
What does the texture look like? And how does it feel when you taste it?
When you use your senses to focus your mind you are able to stay in the present. It draws your focus away from the negative feelings and thoughts that were driving your emotion. Taking a few steps back from emotion allows you to stop and process the triggering event, instead of reacting automatically.
With or without ADHD, you already possess the tools you need to thrive through anxiety.
