Let Go of the Mom (or Dad) Guilt

It happens to us all.  We learn something new about ourselves or our child and our first thought is “I should have figured this out sooner.”   This tendency to self-criticize can be amplified when children are diagnosed with ADHD, autism, or a learning difference that was previously unknown.   Suddenly you see your child through new eyes, and you recognize things you wish you had or hadn’t done.  The good news is that this is actually a sign of growth.

The ability to look at the past differently is concrete evidence that you have gained knowledge and perspective that you didn’t have before.   Now is the time to use that new knowledge.  But first, remind yourself of this very important truth:

“I did the best I could with the skills and knowledge I had.”

Now repeat it again, louder.   This is the absolute truth.   You have been trying every minute of every day to be the best parent you could be.  You weren’t superhuman, and sometimes you got tired or cranky or frustrated.  You made mistakes.  But you didn’t quit.  Over and over again you mustered every skill and strength you had and gave it another try.

If that doesn’t feel good enough, consider whether you are hearing someone else’s critical voice in your head.  Often we repeat the criticism of our parents or others as if it’s our own.  Notice whose voice it really is, and try talking back to it with your own voice.

Still stuck?  Consider the upside to what you didn’t know.  If you had known more about your child’s needs, would you have limited his activities or spent hours in therapy at an early age?  Would you have been up at night worrying?  Might you have hovered too closely?   What did you get to do instead?  Perhaps your child has discovered his own way to accommodate his needs: one that might not have been thought of by a therapist.  There are hidden gifts in the life you have lived until now.

Once you have let go of the guilt, you’ll be free to turn your attention to using your new knowledge or skills to make life even better.  Your parenting (like your hairstyle in the 90s) was the best it could be at the time.  You didn’t know then what you know now.  And now you’ll do the best you can with the knowledge and skills you have just gained.  As a bonus, your self-acceptance will teach your child self-acceptance and your growth will multiply for generations to come.