Five Steps Toward Forgiveness

When conflict or betrayal occurs in a relationship, it can be difficult to identify a starting point for healing. And taking action to mend a relationship can be a daunting task. Those seeking to forgive may find themselves asking one of two questions: How can I fix this? Or, how can I be free of it? Try these five steps to get you moving in the right direction.

Step one: Figure Out Your Feelings

After experiencing a challenging situation or interaction, it is normal to feel the need to withdraw and process. However, it is equally important to outwardly communicate how you feel. Whether this is through journaling, speaking with a friend or loved one, reaching out to a support hotline, or meeting with a therapist, find a way to communicate your thoughts and feelings about the situation. Many find it helpful to seek an outside perspective. Neglecting to release these thoughts and feelings can result in residual feelings of resentment, triggering impulsivity, and ultimately rash decision-making. If you are hurting, be gentle with yourself. Name everything you are feeling, no matter how big or small it may seem.

Step two: Face the Facts

Be honest with yourself. It is time to separate feelings from facts. Put aside your assumptions, your past experiences, your thoughts, and feelings, and take an objective perspective. Many of us land on one of two extremes: “it’s all my fault” or “nothing is my fault, it’s all ’s fault”. However, learning to shift into a neutral perspective is crucial to healing. We all have individual beliefs and experiences that shape our perspectives. This means that regardless of the situation, no two people will interpret an experience exactly the same. And that’s okay.

Step three: Enduring Forgiveness with Fortitude

Give yourself time and space. Forgiveness is a slow and steady process. You may experience spontaneous urges to discuss the situation with the individual involved. If you do, try setting a timer for 5-10 minutes. Allow yourself to feel this urge in its intensity. Physically get up and distance yourself from the trigger. For instance, if you are itching to send a text message or make a call to this person, walk away from your phone, and perform a task. Maybe you decide to do the dishes, watch some Netflix, make something to eat. Return when you are feeling calmer and decide if you would still like to contact the person. If so, take care to be cautious with your words.

Step four: Go With the Flow

Remember to listen. Perhaps some time has passed, and you feel ready to discuss the events with this individual. Let the conversation flow. Forgiveness is a two-way conversation in which both parties need to feel heard and validated. Relationships are built on trust and communication. When either aspect is damaged or missing within the relationship, it is important to understand on both ends what each person is feeling or experiencing as a result of the encounter.

Step five: Moving Forward

Make specific steps to move forward. Set clear expectations between both parties. It is important that each individual knows his or her role in repairing the relationship. Miscommunication, misunderstanding, and lack of vulnerability are at the root of most conflicts. Voice what you need from that person and allow them to do the same.

Now, maybe moving forward means you decide not to continue with this relationship. This entails a different process that requires individual healing. Refer back to step three and work toward accepting the situation. Accepting does not mean condoning or agreeing with the current circumstances, but it does identify an end and beginning. Moving forward requires taking a step toward seeking closure from the past.

Forgiveness is not an easy fix. And maybe that’s the ultimate test during this lifetime. To live through, and despite, the negativity in this world and the imperfection in other people. It’s a lesson to be discovered time and time again. Because we are not perfect. And sometimes those who have the most difficulty forgiving others, have the most difficulty forgiving themselves. Remember to lean on your support system, be kind to yourself, and have faith that things will always work out for your greatest good.