Validation—What is it? Why do it?

More importantly how do I validate my partner, teen, friend?

Read on to find out how to strengthen your relationships from a Maryland Teen, Couples, and Family Therapist.

 I often say “the most basic form of loving someone is paying attention”. One of the ways we can show we’re doing that to our loved ones is to validate them. 

What is validation anyway?

Validation is communicating to another person that their feelings, thoughts or actions make sense to you and are understandable in a given situation.  We’re not trivializing their feelings or making them seem unimportant, silly, or exaggerated.  We’re trying to convey “Of course! How could it be otherwise?”.

The opposite of this is invalidation. It says to our loved one through words or actions that their feelings, thoughts, or actions in the situation make no sense, are “stupid," or are an overreaction, or not worthy of your time, interest or respect. Often this isn’t done intentionally. 

Ok, ok, why validate?

Validating improves relationships. Point blank. It can deescalate conflict and intense emotions (especially helpful with a partner or child in the middle of a squabble).

It shows we’re listening. It shows we understand. That we are being nonjudgmental.

It shows we care about the relationship. That we can disagree without having a big conflict.

Thankfully this can also help our loved one communicate more calmly, less angrily, and be more receptive to what you have to say.

But what if I don’t agree?!

Very important. Validation does NOT equal agreement. 

Validating doesn’t mean you necessarily like or agree with what someone else is doing, saying, or feeling. It simply means you understand where they are coming from. 

Validate the Valid, not the Invalid.

You can still validate the feeling without validating the behavior.

If your teen is upset about not being able to go somewhere and is yelling and slamming doors. You can absolutely validate the feelings of anger or sadness but not validate the behavior of yelling or slamming doors.

Ok I get it, now how do I validate my loved one?

The best description I’ve found is from Marsha Linehan’s DBT Skills.

1. Actively listen. Make eye contact and stay focused

2. Be mindful of your verbal and nonverbal reactions to avoid unintentionally invalidating.

   e.g. rolling eyes, sucking your teeth, walking away, making light of serious things or saying “Don’t be sad”.

3. Observe what the other person’s feeling and look for a word that describes that feeling.

4. Reflect the feeling back without judgement. We’re trying to communicate that you understand how the other feels.

   “It makes sense you’re angry, or “I understand you’re having tough time right now”

5. Show tolerance. Try to tap into your empathy. Look for how the feelings, actions, thoughts make sense give the other’s history and/or current situation. Even if you don’t approve.

6. Respond in a way that shows that you’re taking this person seriously (with or without words). E.g. giving someone some tissues or a hug if they’re crying. Really helpful is asking “what do you need right now? For me to just listen or to help you problem-solve?”.

One of the greatest gifts we can give is our time and attention. Showing we understand our loved ones brings us closer to our people and improves our quality of life.

If you’d like to strengthen your relationship with your partner, teen, or family, with the help of one of our therapists give us a call at 240-242-5185 or you can complete the free consult request here.