Breathe Out Tension, Breathe in Peace
After the presidential inauguration proceeded without violence, I flooded with relief. My whole body felt lighter. Like I had released a clenched fist.
I hadn’t even realized how much tension I was holding. And that got me thinking. About the tension we hold in our families when things aren’t going well.
The tension we barely even notice. Because it is ALWAYS there. Impacting our thoughts, feelings, and choices.
I wonder what it would be like to let it go. To watch it float away on a cloud, or in a bubble. To breathe in peace.
I wonder how I might be a different parent. Partner. Person.
What might we do in a therapy session to let go of such tension?
First, we’d find it. I might detect it in your voice when you say something to a family member.
So let’s look for it there. Go back in your mind to something you’ve said today to your child or partner. Imagine saying it again.
Does your throat feel closed and tight? Or relaxed and open like it does when you sing? How does your upper back feel, between the shoulder blades? Your neck? Is your chest soft or tight?
What does your voice sound like in this memory? How is the volume? The tone?
Was your face tight or relaxed? Do your arms feel loose and soft, or ready to spring into action? This tension is readying you for battle, steeling you for the fight ahead. But is a fight where you really want to go?
Calming Strategies from our (Maryland) Licensed Psychotherapists
Now take each of the things you noticed, and try to undo them. Open up your throat with a nice, deep breath. Hum for a moment in a low tone that is easy for you.
Hug yourself tightly with your arms. Now let them fall to your sides. Repeat until they are loose and soft.
Squeeze your face into a grimace, and let it go. Or softly massage your face with some cleanser or moisturizer. Until your forehead and cheeks feel softer and smoother.
Gently lean your head to each side to stretch your neck. Roll it around if you need to. Tighten and relax your jaw.
Stretch your arms in different directions to release your upper back. Stretch your whole body in whatever positions feel best to you.
Try some 4-7-10 breathing. Breathe out tension. Breathe in peace.
Strengthen Your Parenting and Your Family (without Family Therapy)
Now try repeating that statement you made to your partner or child. Do the words still feel like the right words? How would you change them?
Are you speaking more softly? With a fuller or gentler voice? What is your body posture like?
Do you like this version of yourself?
How might you apply this version of yourself to a situation that’s been bothering you? Take a moment now to write down something you might say. How do you feel about what you wrote?
Now remind yourself to notice your internal monologue. The one that says “nobody ever cleans up around here” or “I get stuck doing EVERYTHING” or “he doesn’t respect me.”
The next time you hear it, go back through the steps above. See what changes. Was it your perspective? Your actions? Or just how you feel.
Now make a plan to release tension for just two minutes every day. If it feels possible, try doing it several times per day.
And as you open your mouth to yell at or criticize someone, pause. Step into another room and try this strategy again. That’s it.
You’ve got this.