Balancing Support and Independence with your Special Needs Child
Parenting advice from our expert neurodiversity affirming therapists
As soon as we become parents our news feeds fill with articles about how to get it right. We have terms like “helicopter parent” for those who seem to help too much and “free range parenting” to describe a more hands off approach. For parents of children with special needs, it can feel impossible to decipher the messages in these articles and apply them to our own families.
“Don’t tie his shoes for him if he can do it himself” sounds like reasonable advice, but determining whether a child “can” do something isn’t just a measure of skill. For those of us with children whose skills break down in a moment of intense emotion, sensory overload, anxiety, or stress, it becomes necessary to reassess what our children can do moment to moment. Try this strategy to keep moving forward in a way that works for your child.
Notice Your Neurodivergent Child’s Intention
Your child asks the teacher if she can skip her math worksheet rather than following her impulse to tear up the worksheet. She is problem solving! Commend the intention and brainstorm other ways to solve the problem.
Set Small Goals, One at a Time. Keep your child’s capacity in mind!
Your goal is for your child to be academically, socially, emotionally, and behaviorally successful. Each of these happens one tiny step at a time. Set goals to reach the next step rather than the future benchmark, and you’ll skip the overwhelm for yourself and your child.
Embrace Imperfection (Yours and Theirs)
You will both get it wrong sometimes. A strategy for moving on from an “oops” moment is a critical tool to bypass shame. Declare a do-over, pause and rewind yourselves with an imaginary remote, or simply say “I guess that didn’t work. Let’s try something else.” Your child is making other mistakes throughout their day, and practicing this skill together will give them a tool they can use everywhere.
Focus on the Present Moment
Ask yourself “what is the most critical need or goal right now?” Perhaps your child just made a social error, forgot her backpack, and missed the school bus in a span of 60 seconds. Need #1 is processing any emotion that blocks your child from moving forward. Need #2 is arriving at school. Need #3 is strengthening social skills, time management, or organizational skills. You might not get to need #3 today, and that’s ok. You may choose not to, because that isn’t this week’s small goal (also ok). If you do get to need #3 pick one skill, not all, to address. Ask your child “what was this morning’s oops moment?” and “how can we fix it tomorrow?”
Allow Inconsistency
If he could remember the morning routine unassisted yesterday and it isn’t working out today, it’s ok to give more help today. Watch for trends in behavior (is he doing this less and less or more and more?) to determine how things are changing slowly over time. If you don’t like the direction it’s going, seek advice from a professional you trust.
Depend on your Treatment Team
You’ve consulted your child’s doctor, therapist, or special educator and gotten some answers. Hang on to the knowledge you’ve gained when faced with others’ advice. Remember that you are making an informed choice to do what works for your child. Ask the professionals how they’ll know when your child is ready for the next step and watch for the signs they suggest. Don’t have a professional you trust? Try us!
Bump Up the Independence When They’re Ready (not based on age)
As they grow, all children need to gain increased control over their lives. However, all children also develop at different paces. They can go through periods of stagnation in which nothing seems to change, and leap forward in some areas while remaining less mature in others. These questions can help you add responsibilities at a pace that works for your child.
Have I noticed any changes in my child in the past 3 months? What has he gotten better at doing?
How will her new skills be helpful? Is there something new she might be able to do on her own now?
Is my child getting frustrated or annoyed with the way I am helping them with something?
Could she tell me what she needs me to do and what she doesn’t? (This can be a great intermediate step to doing the task on her own.)
Is my child backsliding or seeming to need me more rather than less? What could be affecting their ability to handle this on their own right now? Could they just need a little more of my time and attention during this stage?
