5 Things to Ask Instead of AITA
What does AITA mean? A Maryland therapist explains (and reacts).
AITA stands for “Am I the a__hole?” It’s also sometimes written as AITJ: “am I the jerk?” We’ll say “jerk” in this post to keep it family friendly.
People ask this in online forums to find out if they did the “right” thing in a particular situation. Every time I see this question, my therapist heart breaks a little. That’s because it’s an unhelpful question to ask.
Sometimes you ask this with the best of intentions. You truly want to know if your way of doing something is out of sync with what others expect. This is called “reality testing,” and might be something you do more often if your parents doubted your perspective. Perhaps you were told that you remembered things wrong. Or that something that hurt you wasn’t really hurtful.
This can happen to you in your family. It can also happen in the broader society. This kind of invalidation of experience is an everyday occurrence for many because of race, ethnicity, religion, gender, or LGBTQIA+ status. Experiencing microaggressions may lead you to do more reality testing. But that kind of reality testing is more effective in personal relationships than in an online forum.
There is one trend in the AITA discussions that we can support. When people post about partners crossing boundaries or behaving dangerously, they often get important advice about staying safe. This is great to see, and makes these forums an easy place to check if you’re being gaslit.
What does nta or yta mean?
Most of the time, you ask “AITA” because you’re looking for evidence that the person you’ve hurt is wrong to feel that way. You’re hoping the reader will declare you “nta” (not the jerk). And if the crowd determines that “yta” (you’re the jerk), there’s likely at least a few people still backing you up.
But what does this really get you? You go back to your partner, friend, cousin, etc. to say “see? I was right to treat you that way!” And then what? Is the relationship better? Is the original dispute resolved? Do you truly learn something and apologize?
And if thousands of people online declare you nta, does that really mean you did the right thing? Popular opinion might support being nasty or rude to someone who is unkind to you. But when we do that, we build a society we probably don’t want to live in. When you make a mistake, do you want the other person to declare yta and escalate the argument?
We can do better.
What to ask instead of AITA: Questions from a Maryland therapist
We ask “AITA” when we have faced a conflict and reacted or responded in a certain way. Here’s what to ask if you truly want to reflect on your handling of the problem. Because your experience and your values are your own, these are questions to ask yourself, not someone else.
Are my actions consistent with my core values?
We all have values that are important to us. Maybe it’s the 10 commandments. The ethics of your profession. Your marriage vows. Family rules you’ve made together. When you think you might be the jerk, ask yourself if your actions fit with these principles.
Is my relationship with this person moving in the right direction (the one I want it to)?
Do you want to get along better with your difficult parent or sibling? Grow closer to your partner or child? Ask yourself if handling the situation the way you did is helping to make that happen.
Maybe the problem was with someone you don’t want to spend time with or be close to. Did the choice you made clearly move the relationship in that direction? Or did it continue a pattern of conflict that has persisted over time?
Would my actions be different if I approached the situation feeling calmer or more compassionate?
Acting from a place of reactivity almost always results in poor choices. If you were feeling hate or anger when you chose your actions, you probably reacted rather than responded. Now that you’re calmer, what would your response be?
Is there something about this situation I might not have understood?
Are the other person’s actions not making sense to you? You’re likely missing a piece of information. How could you learn more about were they’re coming from? If the conflict is with someone close to you, this is a great question to ask them directly. We often tell couples to ask each other this question.
Who do I trust to tell me if I’ve crossed a line?
Maybe you already think you’re the jerk here. Asking an online forum is still probably not the way to go. Think about who your relationship role models are. Who do you most look up to or respect? It takes courage to ask for their honest feedback, but it’s probably worth the risk.
What if you find yourself often thinking you’re the jerk? If your trusted circle is telling you you’re doing nothing wrong and you still worry, you may have social anxiety. If you find social rules confusing and don’t always notice when you break them, you might be have difficulty with social communication. And ADHD can play a role, too.
Do adults with ADHD have more yta moments?
Maybe impulse control isn’t your strength, and you have more “jerk” moments than you’d like. We usually call these “oops moments” and advocate apologizing and/or repairing the relationship as soon as you feel regret. Asking the questions above can lead you to these repairs.
If you’d like to understand yourself better or get more support in repairing relationships, click here to read about our services.
