Advice from a Couple and Family Therapist

From couples to parents and children, these rules apply in any family conversation. Except maybe the debate about what to have for dinner.

The rules seem simple to follow. But for most people following these rules means breaking some old habits. The more you do it the easier it will become.

Rule #1: I speak for me not for you. 

Speaking for yourself means sharing your experience and asking for what you want or need. You can follow a formula of “I feel __________ when _________ happens and it would help me if __________.” Or “I would really like to __________ (hang out with my friends this weekend, play tennis tomorrow, buy a house next year, etc.). Can we/you do _________ to help make that happen?”

Easy, right? Not so much. To fill in the blanks, you’ll have to know what you feel, want, and need. Consider journaling or talking to someone you trust before a significant conversation, to get a handle on your own thoughts and feelings.

Habits you’ll have to break to follow this rule:

• “You always…” or “you never…”

• “We can’t ________ because you _________.”

• “You’re being _________.”

• “It’s your fault that ___________!”

Rule #2: I speak with you not about you.

We break this rule easily, and often without noticing.  We gossip about one sibling to another. Try to get Mom to talk to Dad about something that’s bothering us.  Or strengthen our bond with a friend by complaining about a spouse. 

When these patterns repeat over time they erode trust in our relationships.  Do you trust that the sibling or friend you gossip with isn’t also gossiping about you? 

How does that sibling that’s the target of the gossip feel about the bond between the other two?  What happens in your relationship with Dad when Mom approaches him about something she says is bothering you?

It builds trust and solves problems more efficiently to talk directly to your partner, sibling, or parent when you’re angry with him/her/them. You can still talk something through first with a trusted friend. But be careful about talking it through with someone who is connected to the person you’re talking about.

The goal of talking to a 3rd party should always be to understand your own feelings better. Or to gather your thoughts so you can communicate more clearly when it matters most. A good friend might even tell you that you are being unreasonable or stubborn in the situation.

Habits you’ll have to break to follow this rule:

• Talking to your siblings about each other’s faults.

• Telling one child about what’s happening with another child in the family.

• Calling your parents when your partner does something you dislike.

When we offer Parenting Support in Maryland, this rule also comes up.

As parents, it’s normal to talk to the other parent about our children. That’s fine. As long as you’re not complaining about your child where he can hear you.

We also seek support from friends. By talking about our children’s needs and challenges. And the things that frustrate us.

Again, it matters whether we are in earshot. But it also matters whether we can trust our friends not to talk about it elsewhere. Where their own children (your children’s peers) can hear.

As our children get older, they have opinions about what we share with our friends. Especially on social media. Be sure to have a conversation with your children about their privacy and any requests they have for you to limit disclosure.

It may be that your child doesn’t want others knowing about his/her/their diagnosis. Or silly things they did as toddlers. Having this conversation lays the foundation for them to protect their own privacy online as well.

Rule #3: I stay curious about your experience.

This one could also say “I listen more than I talk.” But we worded it this way to emphasize that the intent behind the listening matters. Listening to understand someone else’s experience strengthens the connection between you.

It’s extra difficult to do this as a parent! We get used to giving our opinions full-time. But it’s also extra important to do this when there is a generation gap. You truly don’t understand exactly what your child is going through.

Also keep this rule in mind whenever you’re communicating with someone whose cultural context doesn’t match your own. Be sure not to assume you know anyone else’s experience. Just stay curious and let the other person share what they wish to share.

Habits you’ll have to break:

• assuming you know what someone else is thinking or feeling

• making decisions based on how you assume someone will react

• talking more than listening

If you’re ready to strengthen your family communication with more personalized support, request a 15 minute consult today.