The Best Thing My Partner Does (for Us)
Reflections from a Maryland Marriage and Family Therapist
My partner starts our first conversation after a fight.
I may be the Marriage and Family Therapist in the relationship, but he’s better at this than I am. And he uses this superpower to make us stronger.
A fight for us typically isn’t a shouting match. It’s more often a disconnect. A disruption in the vibe between us.
And when that disconnect happens, I get quiet and still. My head fills with angry thoughts. I quietly freeze him out.
For me, this is a protective instinct. I have been hurt, and I am fearful of being hurt more. I take a stance of “I’m fine on my own” and start going about my day as if he doesn’t exist.
My mind goes to a place of believing I am unwanted or a nuisance to him. I KNOW this isn’t true. I have 27 years of evidence to the contrary. (Well, 24 out of 27, but that’s another post…)
I am still susceptible to feeling this way. This is the unique vulnerability we all experience in intimate relationships. The tiniest thing can seem to invalidate our worth as a person.
This whole pattern comes from my wish to feel connected to my partner and the pain I feel when I’m not.
My shutdown in this context isn’t going to meet my need for connection. But it’s the well worn groove I fall into in a moment like this. A habit I haven’t yet broken.
And on some level I need it. That angry monologue in my head is my time to experience and understand my own emotions. Cutting it short feels invalidating somehow.
Reconnecting with Your Partner After a Fight
Reconnecting is always the primary goal after a moment of hurt. Drs. John and Julie Gottman call this process “repair.” As in… something broke. Let’s fix it.
My partner approaches me after I’ve had some time to stew. With humility and curiosity. He knows that I am hurt. Because that’s the only reason I’d shut him out.
He knows that he didn’t plan to hurt me today. And that neither of us wants this angry disconnect to be the place we spend our future. So he comes in with one goal only. To repair.
It really is that simple. Your partner is hurt. It creates distance or conflict. The goal is to heal the hurt so you’re in it together again.
Getting him to empty the dishwasher or getting her to stop criticizing is secondary. It’s beside the point. It’s a place you get to together when you are in it together again.
Repairing Your Relationship
Repair is one of the skills every couple needs in order to stay a couple. Without this skill, my partner and I would have broken up thousands of times by now.
A repair can happen wordlessly, when you reach for your partner’s hand after a disconnect. It can happen by laughing at an inside joke together. But we’re talking today about a conversation that repairs.
When my partner notices that he’s said something hurtful in the moment, he might say “OH… you heard what I said. You were supposed to hear what I meant.” We laugh.
He then rewords whatever he was trying to communicate, and we move on.
After I’ve pulled away for a period of time, starting the conversation is harder. It’s a bolder move. And one that I’m thankful my partner is brave enough to make.
So what does this conversation actually sound like?
It can start with…
“I’m sorry.”
“Can I hold your hand?”
“Let’s reconnect.”
“So that didn’t go how we’d hoped…”
“What happened?”
These statements are all very short. They are invitations for me to share what I am experiencing. They are not the start of an explanation from my partner.
Notice, too, that none of these require my partner to have any knowledge of what I’m thinking or feeling. The focus is on the disconnect between us.
We both know we hit a bump in the road. And acknowledgement of that is our mutual starting point.
Continuing the Conversation
When I talk to a partner who’s listening, most of the negative emotion disappears. This is true for most people, in most situations. It’s why you might have learned speaker-listener skills in couples therapy.
You’ll likely find that the conversation flows easily from there. As long as you are both truly trying to understand each other.
The details will come. There are a zillion reasons why my partner may have been unavailable for connection when I wanted to connect. I might find out which one applies here during the conversation. Or it might not be an important detail this time.
If it turns out that he pulled away in response to something I said or did, I have a repair to make too. And some learning to do about what works/doesn’t work to keep us connected.
Here’s a recent example. The flow of conversation broke down yesterday and I pulled away.
Several hours later he came into my room. I looked at him sideways and asked “why are you here?” Not the friendliest, I know. I was still stewing.
His answer? “I wanted to hold you.” (Vulnerable, honest, brave. It took courage to be so direct.)
I let him sit beside me and told him what I’d been stewing about. And how I’d been rehearsing in my head exactly how I’d send him away when he showed up like this.
But I hadn’t sent him away. Because I’d had these repair conversations before. And I knew that I’d feel better and sleep better if I let it happen.
Sometimes, though, I will send him away or answer with a word of warning. Earlier this week I replied with “I’m not feeling very charitable toward you right now.”
But by saying that rather than just “go away” I was sharing how I felt. I kept talking. He stayed and listened. And I felt better.
And yes, I said earlier this week. We are happily married. And repair is consistently needed. It’s part of the deal.
How to Build Trust in a Relationship
Making intentional repairs to your relationship builds trust. It communicates that the relationship matters to you. More than how the toilet paper roll is hung. Or how many chores someone does/doesn’t do.
Mindset also matters in a repair conversation. Notice my focus in this article. I’m talking about what happens within me. I’m sharing my own thoughts and feelings.
Taking these risks (and they do feel like risks) helps my partner trust me. And seeing him respond with empathy helps me trust my partner. The more we do this, the stronger the trust.
Keeping defensiveness at bay also helps. My partner works through his defensiveness before approaching me for repair. So that the goal of the conversation is not self defense. Or to explain why he did what he did.
He knows I’ll hear him too, but reconnecting comes first. Then I’ll listen for repairs I may need to make. And for things I might do differently next time.
Repair isn’t the end of the process, but the beginning. There are real conflicts and issues in all relationships. And those need to be worked through.
Once you’re in it together again.
