Raising Mentally Healthy Adults
We teach our children everything we can imagine they might need to know. We focus on nutrition, exercise, study skills, work ethic, and (hopefully) money management. However, few families systematically teach their children about mental health. With anxiety and depression on the rise, particularly among young people, these skills are more essential than ever. So how do we teach mental wellness?
1. Build an emotion word vocabulary.
Start with your toddler by naming emotions as you see them expressed. “He looks sad, doesn’t he?” “You’re surprised!” “The puppy is excited.”
Ask your preschooler to share her emotions with you by asking “how did you feel?” or “did you feel about that?” You can model this yourself by sharing your feelings with your child in an age appropriate way. For example, “I feel sad that our friends can’t come over today.” or “I felt angry when my shoe broke.” Be careful not to use your emotional expression to influence your child’s behavior. “That hurts!” is fine in response to a kick or punch, but “you hurt mommy’s feelings when you do that” creates shame. (If reading this has created shame for you as the parent, know that children are resilient too. The rest of this article will help you know what to do to help them manage any shame they do feel.)
When your elementary aged child freely expresses emotion in words, add to his vocabulary by introducing words that convey the intensity of the emotion such as furious, devastated, and overjoyed. If your child uses these to add extra drama to her emotional expression, then you’ve done it right. Replacing “sad” with “devastated” every time is a way of trying out the more intense word. Eventually she’ll begin using “sad” again for milder situations. Challenge yourself to broaden your emotional vocabulary in the process, and keep adding more nuance as your children grow.
2. Master the open ended question.
When we want our child to eat a vegetable, we intentionally ask “broccoli or carrots?” because it limits the answer choices. An open ended question does the opposite. “Tell me more about that” invites your child to give you the other details that are on his mind. Questions such as “what did you think of that?” “How did that make you feel?” and “what do you think you’ll do next?” invite emotional expression and the development of problem solving skills. Each time you ask them, you are teaching your child a process of self talk that will help her identify what she feels and what she wants in any situation.
3. Teach coping strategies.
Consider what you do when you feel yourself getting upset, and teach that skill to your child. (This is also a chance to check yourself. If your go-to strategy isn’t something you want your child to do, it’s time to make a change.) Learning deep breathing is key. It slows the heart rate and helps move the body out of a fight, flight, or freeze mode. Good deep breaths go in through the nose and cause the belly to expand. Teach young children to imagine smelling a delicious cup of cocoa, then blowing on it to cool it off. Try intentionally slowing your breathing by counting to 3, 5, or even 10 with each breath in or out. Add visualization, imagining a peaceful place and describing it with all 5 senses, or make it into a mindfulness practice by focusing solely on the breath for 3 minutes or more (start with 1 minute for a child). This can be a useful daily routine to keep yourself grounded in the present moment. Try having a mindful moment as a family a few times per day by focusing on the clouds floating by, each bite of a snack, or the sounds around you. Sensorimotor strategies are also quite useful for children (and many adults). These may include smelling a calming scent, taking a walk, doing cartwheels, bouncing on a trampoline, swinging, spinning, stretching, taking a warm or cool shower, drinking warm tea or cool water, or wearing a weighted blanket or body sock. Some of these will energize your child, while others will calm him. Use only the strategies that feel good, as some may agitate or upset a sensory sensitive child.
4. Help your child self monitor.
Make a habit of asking “how are you feeling right now? Where in your body do you feel that?” Be sure to ask at various times, not just when you’ve detected that something is wrong. If your child isn’t able to tell you how she feels, try doing a body scan from toe to head. “Check in with your feet. How are they feeling right now? Are they warm or cold? Tense or relaxed? How about your legs… ” Go slowly, and add in “heart” and “brain” to tune in to thoughts and feelings she might not have noticed before.
For negative feelings, ask “would you like to keep that feeling for awhile, or are you ready to change it?” Follow up with “what usually helps you feel better when you feel (sad/angry/upset/tired/overwhelmed, etc.)?” For positive feelings “what helped you feel that way? what would help you hang on to this good feeling for awhile?” As your child gets into the upper elementary years, check in when you think it might be needed and ask “do you need my help with that?”
If your child has ADHD, Autism, Anxiety, Depression, or another condition, call it by its real name and explain what the symptoms are. Teach your child to identify symptoms when they occur and separate the symptoms from your child’s identity by explaining “getting distracted a lot is part of ADHD. Is that happening to you right now?” rather than saying “you keep getting distracted!” Work with a mental health professional to manage the symptoms over time and develop strategies that are specific to the strengths and needs of your child.
5. Base your advice in your child’s own experience.
Always ask “what might help you with that feeling?” or “what helped you last time you felt like that?” first, but if he comes up empty suggest some of the strategies you’ve seen work for him. “Would you like a warm shower/snack/blanket/drink, etc.)?” If you aren’t sure what works for him, try out your hunches by saying “sometimes when I feel this way I like . Could that work for you?” If nothing seems to work or your child seems to stay stuck in negative feelings, consult a therapist for more ideas.
6. Teach when to ask for help.
Destigmatize mental health care within your family by maintaining conversation about it. Try therapy yourself if your mental health isn’t where you’d like it to be. Be honest with your child about wanting to feel better or do better and calling a professional who can help you. In a child’s terms, this is just like asking the teacher when you aren’t sure you understand the homework or going to the doctor for a sore throat. It’s a normal part of life. As your child reaches 4th or 5th grade, ask what she’s learning in school about mental health or “dealing with feelings.” Ask what questions she has and be ready to listen. Do a search together for the answers you don’t know.
In middle school and high school, keep those check-ins you started in the early years going. Update your language for teens with “how stressful is school right now? How about friendships? Is there anything I can help you with? Is there anything that feels too big to handle?” You can warm up to this conversation by asking about peers. “How are your friends handling the stress of middle school/high school life? Is there anyone you’re worried about?” Position yourself as a resource your child can use as needed. Offer to find a therapist at any time as an alternative to talking to mom or dad. If you see a sudden change in your child’s emotional well being, suggest going for a “check up” and do consult a therapist. Most providers (including us) will put you in touch with a therapist before your first appointment. For further information, see our post entitled “Does my child (or teen) need therapy?“
