Arguing with Your Partner? We can help.
Advice from our Couples Therapists and Family Counselors in Kensington, Maryland
When something triggers deep emotion for us, we also get a glimpse of our personal moral codes. We know what we believe should happen. And what should not. We have an instantaneous, visceral reaction.
We also experience negative emotions day to day in response to our partners’ or children’s behavior. And when we feel pain, we draw the same conclusion: what this person did is WRONG. What we really need is to feel loved and soothed. But it’s harder to notice these needs when our sense of injustice takes over.
Instead, we become distracted by our outrage. We’re more likely to talk about the “right” and “wrong” way to load the dishwasher than have deep conversations about our needs and values.
Do We Need Couples Therapy?
Couples therapy (or family therapy) can help us to refocus our attention on what matters most. “Right” and “wrong” are terms I rarely use in the therapy room. This is because debates about what is “right” are often the enemy of good relationships.
Declaring that our partners or children are “wrong” about something doesn’t lead to greater connection and understanding. We may feel vindicated, but be further from our ultimate goal of a joyful family life.
Yet the temptation to confirm that we are “right” to be upset draws us in. Couples therapists find themselves asking again and again “do you want to be right, or do you want to be together?”
These goals can truly be mutually exclusive, and our instinct to seek validation over connection seems to put us at even greater risk when we consider our ever expanding definitions of “right.”
In the age of instantaneous information, decisions about money, parenting, sex, politics, and more are subject to a torrent of articles declaring one right way to be. Followed inevitably by others asserting the opposite.
Getting on the Same Page with Your Partner
There is supposedly a “right” way to feed a child, to put him to bed, to choose a school. There is a “right” candidate to support based on your social media feed, your zip code, and the fliers in your mail. There are supposedly “right” and “wrong” sexual practices, varying by culture, religion, and generation.
We can argue endlessly about all of these, quoting our opposing sources and insisting on our moral superiority… or we can be together.
If togetherness is our priority, it’s important to remember that “right” and “wrong” are really beside the point. It’s more useful in a family to sort into “brings us together” and “pulls us apart” or “provides a solution” and “keeps us stuck.”
Try making a list of behaviors that strike you as right and wrong. Label them as such. Now take the same list and apply the suggested labels from the paragraph above..
Are there things you do that are “right” but seem to keep you stuck or create conflict? Consider trading them for something that offers a solution or creates closeness.
If they’re your children’s behaviors consider how you might teach an alternative that meets your greater goals of unity and harmony. If they’re a partner’s behaviors, let him/her know that you’re worried about these actions adding to the conflict at home, even if they’re “right.”
For the behaviors you labeled as “wrong,” circle the explanation of “pulls us apart” or “keeps us stuck.” These terms give a clearer explanation of why the behavior is bothering you, and open the door for possible solutions.
Challenge: Growing your Relationship by Yourself
Remember that your list of behaviors reflects your individual values. Only you will be using this particular list as a guide. (Your partner(s) and children have different lists.) To ensure that your list is reasonable, keep it brief!
Having 20 “right” behaviors you expect yourself to carry out on a regular basis will leave you constantly falling short, simply because the list is too long. Cut it back to 10, and circle the most essential 3.
These are your priorities for yourself. Your new list might look something like 1. Be kind to others 2. Take only what I need 3. Keep my children safe. If you find yourself insisting on a 4th or 5th item, consider whether you could reword one of your existing 3 to incorporate that additional value.
Consider what each behavior looks like in your daily life. Resist the temptation to cast the widest possible net. “Keep my children safe,” for example could mean safe from bullying, from germs, from non-organic produce, and so much more.
Keep it simple. “Safe” means alive with a reasonable expectation of staying that way. It means safe from violence, starvation, preventable disease, and extreme weather conditions.
Likewise, a value of “make the world a better place” could mean anything. Narrow it down to the one type of improvement that is most important to you, such as “minimize my carbon footprint,” or “spend time helping others.”
Focus on following your own moral code, and remember that others are following their own, too. A behavior can be “right” for you, but may not be “right” for all.
