When You Disagree about “Social Distancing”
This is a time of heightened anxiety for everyone, and we all handle it differently. This can create conflict and sense of betrayal when your partner or family member doesn’t adopt your approach to managing the crisis. You may feel disregarded, disrespected, or even endangered. Your partner’s and family’s approach to the Coronavirus pandemic is showing you how they cope with stress. Here’s how to have the difficult conversations about how you affect one another.
Set aside time to give the conversation your full attention. Don’t interrupt your partner’s telework or try to multitask.
Use I statements and emotion words to explain how you feel. I feel when because . Be as specific as you can about your emotions and resist the temptation to end the sentence with “because you are…” For example “I feel anxious and afraid when you go out for coffee because there is a chance of you bringing germs home to our family.” works better than “You CAN’T go out” or “I’m mad because you disrespected me.”
Remember that your partner of family member is trying to meet a personal need and empathize. Suggest a solution or ask “what do think could meet both of our needs?” For example “I know it’s really hard to stay home all the time and I feel scared when you go out. Maybe we could go for a walk together instead?”
As an act of kindness, consider choosing to follow the most concerned family member’s guidelines during this time. If you’re an avid recycler and your family only wants to use disposable wipes, go with it. It’s temporary.
Remember that you can’t control another person’s behavior. Focus on following your own guidelines yourself and make choices according to what you see others doing. For example, you may choose not to kiss or engage in physical contact with a partner who is still going to work. Explain clearly why you are making that choice (without blame), and find creative ways to stay connected.
If you have had the conversation using I statements and avoiding blame and still are feeling unsafe, you may need to set a personal limit. For example, “I understand that you need to go out for coffee. I need to feel safe from COVID19. The only way I can see to do both of those is to set up separate living space in the house.”
Look out for the most vulnerable family members. If you have a family member with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or another anxiety disorder and his/her/their behavior becomes harmful (hand washing to the point of bleeding, restrictive eating, otherwise showing signs of distress), talk to his/her/their medical care provider or call the Montgomery County Hotline for resource information.
Finally, when we feel a diminished sense of control the risk of aggression increases. If the heightened anxiety at home is leading to conflicts that become threatening or physical, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for support.
