You’ve decided it isn’t safe to travel this year. Or have your favorite annual holiday party. And you and your kids are both sad and disappointed.

Or maybe you made a different choice. Either way, your kids are now finding out what their friends and cousins will be doing. And you have some explaining to do.

Why We Make Different Choices: A Child and Family Therapist Explains

The COVID-19 pandemic has affected all of us differently. And we’re all moving forward at different paces.

You may feel free to resume normal pre-pandemic activities. Others in your family may not. Or vice versa.

After a major loss or change, we all move forward differently. And that’s OK. These differences are a normal part of the process of grief.

(And yes, we’re all grieving on some level after the upheaval of the last 19 months).

You might be feeling pretty safe now. If you’re vaccinated and your kids are old enough to be too. If you don’t have serious health conditions. Or if your news feed is filtered in a way that minimizes the negative impact.

Or you might just be tired of feeling constrained. You’re ready to spread your wings. And the risks of living in long term isolation seems bigger than the risks that come with traveling.

You might not be feeling so safe. Especially if you have lost someone close to you and are intimately acquainted with the risk of loss. Or if you are someone who likes to protect against risk in your daily life.

Again, these are all ok. Our individual temperaments and experiences shape how we respond to events in our lives. How we handle that shapes what happens in our families and communities.

Answering Your Kids’ Hard Questions

First, for those who aren’t doing the usual holiday activities. You’re hearing “but my friends are traveling!” Or “the cousins are going to Grandma’s and we’re missing out!” How do you respond to that?

It seems like the choices are impossible. You could go with the standard “I’m not your friend’s/cousin’s parent. I’m your parent.” But you know it doesn’t work.

What other options are there? It seems like we’re either telling our kids that their peers are in danger. Or that we’re being too strict.

This is where some key mental health concepts come in. Understanding these may help maintain harmony in your family as you all make different choices.

Radical Acceptance

What is, is. People are feeling what they are feeling And they are making their own choices. Accepting this fact is an important cornerstone of good mental health.

If you can accept that others are doing their best with the information and experience they have, you may be able to accept that about yourself too. And feel more confident in the choice you are making for yourself.

And the more confident you feel, the more clearly you can communicate your choice to others.

Dialectics

Things that seem like opposites can both be true. We can be doing the right things for us AND recognize that someone doing the opposite is doing the right thing for them.

We can be happy with our decision and sad about not being able to make a different one. We can care deeply about our family members, want to see them, and have to prioritize something else above it.

Balanced Thinking

Balanced thinking is where it all comes together. This is the language you use in explaining your choices. It includes the truth of your experience, and incorporates the and.

I really want to see you this Thanksgiving, and I am worried about the risk of illness. I’m making the tough choice to wait a little longer before we celebrate together.

It is a hard decision to make, but I need to do what feels safest to me. And I know you are doing what feels best to you. Let’s do a video call after dinner so we can still see each other!

it does feel scary to travel this year, and I think I can do it in a way that minimizes the risk. You’re right that I can’t eliminate it entirely. I really need the joy of seeing family this holiday, and this is the right choice for me.

Child Anxiety in 2021

You, as an adult, get to make your own decision. Double check that you’ve thought it out instead of basing it solely on fear. And do your best to incorporate your child’s wants and needs.

Then help your kids to get comfortable with the choice you made.

Friends may be accusing you or your child of being unsafe. And making them feel anxious. Especially if your friends have set stricter rules than you have this year.

Fortunately this is an opportunity. A chance to develop your child’s response to peer pressure. As you’re feeling the pressure yourself.

Help your kids and teens to be immune to peer pressure.

Show them how you make choices. Explain how you decided what was best for your family. (Preparing for this conversation will help you get clear about it too!)

• Note that decisions, especially ones about safety, are very personal. “Everyone makes a different choice. It’s a right or power that every person has. Can you think of a time when you make a different choice than I do (food choices or clothes, for example)?”

• Explain the values you used to make your decision. Maybe you are always very careful with health matters. Because of an experience you had. Or your family members’ risk factors.

  “COVID-19 is like Jessica’s nut allergy. Most of the time it’s safe for Jessica to do what everyone else is doing. But we are extra careful because of how sick Jessica would get if we fed her a nut product.”

  Maybe you think of your government’s recommendations like rules or laws. And being lawful is very important to you. Or you trust the scientific method and are listening to the scientists’ advice.

  Or maybe relationships with family are a high priority for you. And seeing them face to face feels safe enough this year.

• Identify the information that informs your choice.

  Let your child know that research is an important part of decision making. “What do we know about how to stay safe around COVID-19? Who is telling us about it? How do we know to trust that source?“

• Encourage your child to support others’ decisions too. Try “a good friend understands that you make your own choices. And will respect the choices you make. Let your friends know that you understand and accept their family’s choice too.”

• Make the best of the choice you’ve made. Don’t treat your plans like they are the second best option. Go all out and celebrate in the ways that you choose to.

If you and your co-parent disagree about how to stay safe

Consider honoring the wishes of the more cautious parent. Missing some activities this year won’t harm your child. And being on the same page with your co-parent reduces your child’s anxiety.

In fact, missing out can even be helpful. As long as you face it with a growth mindset. See this post for more about managing the effects of social distancing on your kids.

What If you are the more cautious parent? Consider making some requests. Use I statements to share what you’d like to happen.

This might sound like “I know it’s important to you to see the family this year. It’s making me really worried. Would you mind going to fewer houses (whatever action makes you feel safer) as a compromise?”

Learn more about using this strategy in this post. Or this one that’s specific to COVID-19 disagreements. And keep your eye on the goal: a safe and happy child.

Finally, if you live apart and can’t agree, focus on what you can control. You can’t decide what happens at the other parent’s house. Consider what makes you feel safest in your own house, and do it.

If you could use some parenting support to manage all that the holiday season brings, request an appointment to see how good it feels to be proud of your parenting.