The Importance of Tough Conversations (in your marriage or family)
As a nation we are having some difficult conversations. Injustice and oppression are in the spotlight. For some this is salt poured into wounds that were never allowed to heal.
Others are grappling with these horrors as if seeing them for the first time. The impulse to shut down conversations with others whose perspectives we don’t understand is strong. We block them on Facebook, unfollow on Twitter, or simply turn away.
It’s important, however, to tolerate this impulse. Without shutting down. Doing so is a skill that serves us not just in society, but in our families as well.
Tips for responding to family conflict (from a family therapist)
When a friend or family member says something that challenges us to think differently, there are 3 main ways we respond. I would call them dismissal, defensiveness, and consideration. The first two damage relationships, while the third strengthens them.
1. Dismissal
This is the “whatever” response. It’s turning and walking away, physically or verbally. In a way that says “this isn’t even worth my time.”
Here’s when you may be most likely to use this response. When what someone is saying overwhelms or confuses you. Or you don’t believe the other person is a valid source of information.
Consider how you feel when another person does this to you. It likely provokes anger. Rage is a natural human response to feeling dismissed.
We dismiss others’ experiences in our public discourse. By saying “stop playing the race card.” Refusing to consider ideas coming from another political party. Unfriending/unfollowing, or walking away from the conversation.
In families a pattern of repeated dismissal creates trauma. Fortunately, the antidote is also in this post.(Consideration)
2. Defensiveness
This is the “I know you are but what am I?” or “I’m rubber, you’re glue…” of responses. This response comes out in us when the other person’s statement is perceived as a personal attack. It usually involves accusing the other person of doing something wrong, listing their past mistakes, or name calling.
You likely see this in your news feed. When relatives post dueling memes about racism and “political correctness.” Or friends with opposing political affiliations call each other “libtard” or “republiscum.”
A defensive response often makes you feel defensive in return. And the argument escalates. Until someone changes to one of the other two responses.
3. Consideration
This is the “that’s interesting, tell me more” response. Consideration involves listening to the other person’s point of view. With genuine curiosity.
And asking questions about the parts you don’t understand. It’s a version of what Dr. John Gottman would call “turning toward,. And it serves to strengthen trust and connection in relationships.
It also creates potential for mutual understanding in the public discourse. How would our world be different if we all took the time to respond this way?
We don’t have the time or energy to have the tough conversations all the time. Choose carefully when to engage. So that you can respond as your best self.
You may receive defensive and dismissive responses to your genuine consideration. Keep responding from a place of consideration. And you may be surprised how quickly the tension diffuses.
Other ways to strengthen relationships (with or without counseling)
We’ve been posting recently about strengthening connections at the holidays. Find that post here. And there’s information about how to set boundaries in this post about election year fighting.
If the tension remains, family therapy can provide a structured place to have the conversations that typically evoke dismissive or defensive responses. Your therapist will challenge you to respond with consideration to one another. And problem solve together.
If you’re ready to have a stronger, more resilient family, schedule a 15 minute consult today. You’ll talk with Robin Brannan about how to best meet your family’s needs. And we’ll match you with the best therapist for you.
