Should I Help My Teen in Online School? Answers from our Teen Therapist in Montgomery County, MD
Your parental spidey sense is tingling… you just know she has her camera off. Or he is lounging in bed. They dropped off of the class Zoom call early to chat with friends.
Should you get involved? Is your teen typical for his age, or is something wrong? Why can’t they do this on their own?
Raising a teenager is difficult enough. But now there’s COVID. And boundaries are so unclear.
Should you manage your teen’s online learning? When is it important to check in? Or helpful to do so?
Your teen will likely tell you it’s never helpful. You’re likely to hear “leave me alone!” Or “get out of my room!”
But kids of all ages… and that includes teens… need enough support and clear expectations in order to succeed.
Your teen can handle school on her own right now. If your expectations and her goals match up. And she has the supports she needs to work toward her goals.
Setting Expectations with Your Teenager
Notice that we said “with.” Some expectations will be firm family rules. As many as possible should be built in conversation with your teen.
When setting your expectations, keep them reasonable. And reachable. Consider what you can expect to happen rather than your dream scenario.
And don’t set so many that it’s hard for your teen to keep track. Especially if your teen has trouble organizing. Or being on time. These 4 are a good place to start.
I expect you to attend all of your online classes. (Add “with camera on” if you require it).
I expect you to complete your classwork and homework on time. (Make this a percentage of the time if it is an area of struggle for your teen).
I expect you to ask the teacher for help if you don’t understand something.
I expect you to tell me right away if you are falling behind or struggling to get the grades you’re hoping for.
Try this language “by doing these things you show us how responsible you are. When we know you’re really responsible, it’s easy to trust you. And give you more freedom.
But that doesn’t meet you can’t have help. If you’re having trouble, remember to tell us. We’ll figure out together how to get back on track.”
Now ask your teen a few questions about his/her/their own expectations. This sends a clear message that they are responsible for setting goals and working toward them. But also gives your teen some power over where to put in the most effort.
What grades are you hoping to get in each of your classes?
What would you like to do better in than last term?
Do you have other hopes or goals for this term?
It’s ok if your teen’s primary goal is about lacrosse. Or a high score in a video game. Striving for something that matters to her is a vital life skill.
You may find yourself wanting to set a higher standard. Slightly above your teen’s standard for himself. If you do this, talk with your teen about it first.
Try “I think if you really go for it, you could get that A in biology. What do you think that would take?” Notice that we’ve kept the higher goal limited to a single class or project.
It’s important to set the goal no more than slightly above what your teen thinks he is capable of. Standards that feel impossible can lead them to give up. Or never start trying.
Remember that you’re setting expectations for this step in his development. If the goal is really yours, not theirs, consider using an incentive. An added level of freedom that will come when they show this level of responsibility.
Now, let your teen handle it (with a tutor or therapist, if needed)
Your teen is setting up his learning systems. He is building the strategies that will get him through college. And should be gradually doing more and more on his own.
Even if he’s doing it on his own, you’re part of the team. It’s just a question of which role you play. You’re shifting slowly from managing her school life completely to not at all.
That shift will happen over the years between now and graduation. Keep in mind where you are on that timeline. And notice what it will take to hit the mark on time.
If you’re falling behind, you may need to add supports. Or just hand more tasks over to your teen. It depends on what she’s currently able to do on her own.
Supporting Your Teen’s Executive Function and Study Skills
Your teen might already have enough supports in place. Tutors, therapists, friends in a scheduled study group. Good plans for staying organized.
Or your teen may need you to help fill in some gaps. Maybe your teen struggles with executive function. Or is still learning to study effectively. These are very common concerns.
Perhaps your teen has dyslexia. Or another learning difference. With any of these, your role is to help set up enough supports.
That might mean hiring tutors or therapists. Helping her find an app that tracks assignments. Or offering to be an accountability partner.
If you find yourself being the tutor. Or sitting by his side the whole time he’s studying. You may need to add more supports.
Before expecting him to be able to manage on his own.
If she comes to you and asks you to help her memorize formulas. Or proofread her essay. That’s your teen using her supports.
You’re there for that kind of help. As long as she’s in charge of asking.
When to call a Teen Therapist
When your teen’s anxiety gets in the way
If your teen expects perfection. And dissolves into tears when it doesn’t go exactly right. A therapist can help her set more realistic expectations. And manage the strong emotions that come up.
It’s also important to call a therapist if he becomes ill whenever there is a big test. Is afraid to go to typical teenage social activities (in non COVID times). Or can’t sleep because of stress.
When your teen is unmotivated or withdrawn
If the answer to everything is “I don’t care.” Or grades have suddenly plummeted. He’s lost interest in doing the fun things in life.
Or if she breaks down about feeling “not good enough.” Quits trying because it’s just too hard. Stops hanging out with friends.
Feeling overwhelmed sometimes is normal. Feeling overwhelmed daily is not. A therapist can help your teen handle these emotions.
Other times teen counseling can help
Always seek the opinion of a mental health professional if your teen says “I wish I were dead.” Or is injuring him/herself.
Even if it’s happening only when she’s mad at you.
Therapy is also safe place to work on friendship problems. And learn to handle them well. Without having to ask a parent.
Privacy and independence are important for teens. But their brains are still developing the skills needed to make good decisions. A therapist can be a confidential guide while your teen is figuring it all out.
Our adolescent specialists meet with your teen online, after school or on weekends, so there’s no missing school. And they are all family therapists. This means that your teen’s therapist will protect his privacy. But she’ll also be encouraging him to keep open communication with you. And meeting with you together from time to time to help that happen.
If you’re ready to strengthen your teen’s independence and her relationship with you, schedule a 15 minute consult to learn how therapy can help.
