2 Things That Will Transform Any Relationship
A Maryland Marriage and Family Therapist’s Top 2 tips for any relationship.
We all know that moment when someone comes to us and feels something intensely. They’re telling their tale and as someone who loves them we hate that they’re feeling this way. We don’t want them to feel X (sad, mad, lonely, hurt, disappointed, etc.) All we want is love and joy in their lives. Because they’re amazing.
Without knowing it, we figure out a solution to their problem. Or try to give them a silver lining, a different frame of reference, maybe some perspective. Yes! We feel on top of the world! I have helped my love one and now they don’t have to feel sad, mad, etc. Victory is mine! I’m crushing this whole relationship thing. Fist bump.
And then you look up and your loved one isn’t overjoyed. Maybe they’re shaking their head, maybe they’ve started crying, maybe they look even angrier. What just happened!? I did the thing, they should feel better. And yet, you can’t help wondering if you missed something.
In that small moment you did. You missed them. You missed sharing in their experience. :(
Don’t get me wrong, we all do it. AND…
Here are 2 things, from a relationship counselor, we all should do more of.
So we don’t miss our people when they come to us. And in this order.
Validate their emotions.
What the heck is validation? (Click here for more information.)
A big ol’ honkin’ help of “Oh my gosh that is so hard. Of course that’s maddening (sad, frustrating, etc).
After that is when we normally want to go into fix it mode. But hold your tongue! I know you can do it. Here is the integral next step.
2. Ask “Are you ready for a solution?”.
Boom. You have just single-handedly improved your relationship.
Seriously, 9 times out of 10 your person is going to say “no”. Mind Blown. But here’s what’s magical. By asking them if they want the solution you are NOT missing them, you are staying alongside them. And THAT is where the magic of feeling more connected happens.
You are also helping them feel more capable of handling their own feelings as well by not fixing it for them.
This is especially helpful and important for those of us who love someone who might be on the more sensitive side, or even highly sensitive (click here to see if you might be).
At the end of the day we want to love our people well. And that happens in small moments everyday!
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