It’s that magical time of year, where family and friends get together.  All the good food, the drinks, the traditions. The wonderful decorations, oh those magical twinkle lights. It’s a happy time when you get to take a break from work. And wind down another year. 

Things are going well, you’re enjoying yourself. Then BAM, you and your partner get into a fight. “Why are we going to their house!?”, “Can we not play monopoly since it ends with someone thinking someone cheated”? And this happens every year. 

You think to yourself, “It’s not normally like this. Do we need to go to couples counseling”? No. Here’s why.

Holidays are a time laden with expectations.  Lots of hopes and dreams rest on this time of year.  We look forward to this time off and expect it to run smoothly. 

The normal hiccups that family throw our way can really jar us. On a good day. Without expectations.

Getting everyone together brings with it all the messiness of family. Which adds to what is going on between you and your partner.

The annoying thing that your mom does, asking twenty million questions? That adds to your stress level if your partner snored too loud the night before.

So you might be more sensitive to something that might not normally get to you. This time of the year is so important to us. With that increased importance it raises the stakes that things go well.

Especially this year when things have been so off. So what do we do about it?

Recognition of what’s important to you and your spouse is critical.

Is it seeing the tree lights? Or making sure there’s pumpkin pie that feels so essential? Make sure you get to enjoy those special things you look forward to. The card game or watching football you could take or leave? OK, not as important to make sure that happens for you.

But make sure the important things happen for your partner too. 

Let the rest of it be what it will.

Schedule a fight.

Yup you heard me right. If you always have a tiff after dinner, go ahead and plan on it. That way the tension isn’t building. And you’ve planned to address any grievances ahead of time. 

And since you’re not dreading or waiting for it to happen, it can help make the rest of the holiday enjoyable too.

If you need some tips on how to make sure you disagree well, check out this link here for how to use “I” statements and empathy.

Disagreements are normal. If arguments are increasing in frequency, for more than a month or two, that’s when to seek out couples therapy. 

Share this blog post with a friend who will find this helpful going into the holiday.