Do you ever get stuck with your family and it seems hard to find common ground?

When we get stuck viewing a situation in only one way, often times conflict within our family increases.

If we take a dialectical approach it can help us get unstuck. For family therapy that’s walking between two seemingly opposite things: acceptance of our loved ones and change.

Finding the middle path helps decrease a sense of isolation, polarities, and conflict and increase harmony. Doing this takes into account our own viewpoint and your teen or partner’s viewpoint. This hopefully leads to a synthesis of the two. Once we can do this change occurs.

In taking this mindset with our family, we’re going off a few important ideas about life:

• There is always more than one way to see a situation and more than one way to solve a problem. Relationship counselors can’t stress this enough.

  • The idea here is that there is no absolute truth. Truth evolves over time. For example, when your child was young, it was true they shouldn’t handle sharp objects such as knives. However, as they’ve gotten older and have more control over their bodies, it’s now ok that they handle a knife carefully when cutting a sandwich.

• All people have unique qualities and different points of view.

  • We’re all interconnected. We’re influencing one another in each situation. So, one person’s extreme take can push another to the opposite extreme. Differences are normal among each person in the family. This includes different attitudes and behaviors.

    • For example, Your teen prefers to come home and decompress for an hour after school before starting homework since they’re mentally fatigued. A parent might insist that their child start homework as soon as they get home, so they’re not up past bedtime to finish their work.

    • Both these points of views are valid.

• Change is the only constant.

  • On any given day, things are never the same as the moment before or the moment after. When we allow those we care about to grow and change over time our relationships are long-lasting. We may have to lean on acceptance when someone or a relationship changes in a way we wish they hadn’t.

  • This perspective helps us to remain flexible. It also allows peak experiences to be more likely.

• Two things that seem like (or are) opposites can both be true.

  • You can both be tough and gentle. Also your child is often doing the best they can and they can do better, try harder, or be more motivated to change.

Honor both sides of the conflict. This doesn’t mean giving up on your values or “selling out”.   We’re trying to avoid seeing the world in “black-or-white”, “all-or nothing ways”. This only leads to a power struggle.

There is wisdom to be gained in examining things from the opposite perspective. Honoring the truth and validating the parts that are valid actually helps the negotiation. 

In family counseling, I often challenge my parents with the following questions: What is the kernel of truth in your teens perspective? or What might you be missing?

You’ll be surprised how much a shift in perspective can help.

If you’d like help untangling the knots you get into with your family, feel free to reach out to us here.