What is Gottman Couples Therapy?
A Maryland Marriage Counselor/Couples Therapist explains how she helps partners to connect and thrive
We often use The Gottman Method to help partners in our Kensington office and online. So what is it?
The Gottman Method (TGM) is a research-based method and integrative approach to couples therapy. It was developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, psychological researchers and clinicians.
The Gottmans developed their method by studying predictors of divorce in couples. They discovered that by watching a single interaction, they could predict the likelihood that the couple would eventually divorce. So they created a method for teaching couples to connect in ways that could prevent a future breakup.
What are the goals of marriage counseling?
TGM has three goals:
disarm conflicting verbal communication
increase intimacy, empathy, respect, and affection
remove barriers that create feelings of stagnancy.
These goals are accomplished through the use of the Sound Relationship House (SRH). Like any house, the SRH starts with a foundation and builds its way up. This is the framework that TGM applies to relationships.
Strengthen Your Marriage (or any Relationship) in 9 Steps
Build Love Maps
The foundation of the SRH, love maps refers to how well you know your partner’s inner world. Their past, present, future, worries, stresses, joys, and hopes. Building love maps involves asking open-ended questions and periodically updating them.
Share Fondness and Admiration
Here, we move from focusing on your partner’s mistakes and correcting them to focusing on what your partner is doing well. This involves a change of habit and helps build a culture of appreciation.
Turn Towards Instead of Away
The goal here is to become more aware of your partner’s bids for connection and respond to them.
The Positive Perspective
When the bottom three levels of the SRH are working well, you and your partner think positively of each other and take a positive approach to conflict and problem-solving.
Manage Conflict
Conflict is natural and purposeful. This level is all about identifying solvable and perpetual problems and creating a culture of positive dialogue to manage them.
Make Life Dreams Come True
This level of the SRH is all about helping your partner realize important life dreams and talking honestly about your values, aspirations, and hopes.
Create Shared Meaning
This floor involves building a life together and understanding important dreams, narratives, myths, and metaphors about your relationship.
Trust
Trust occurs when you know that your partner acts and thinks to maximize your best interests and benefits, not just their own.
Commitment
Commitment means believing and acting as if your relationship is a lifelong journey. Commitment involves cherishing your partner’s positive qualities and comparing them favorably with real or imagined others.
Do we need a Gottman Method Couples Therapist?
TGM asserts that couples experience two different kinds of problems: solvable ones and perpetual ones.
Solvable problems are situational; there may not be a deeper meaning, and the conflict is about a specific topic. A solution can be found and maintained.
If what you’re struggling with is this kind of problem, you might not need help fixing it. But you might still want a stronger relationship. A Gottman Method therapist can help with that.
We have the same fight over and over
On the other hand, perpetual problems develop from fundamental differences in personalities or lifestyle needs. These are problems that always exist. They can erode or strengthen your relationship, depending on how you handle them.
The good news is that perpetual problems can be managed well. TGM helps couples manage conflict, gain positive communication skills and navigate perpetual problems.
This is what a Gottman Method therapist will help you do. TGM can help couples with everything from communication to sex & intimacy to infidelity and parenting problems.
Even more, TGM can help couples who are at a crossroads. Couples who are emotionally distant and even considering separating.
Similarly, TGM is well suited for couples that aren’t experiencing perpetual problems. That’s the great thing about TGM, it’s focused on helping ALL couples have healthier and stronger relationships.
So, no matter where you are in your relationship, you and your partner can benefit from TGM.