A Maryland therapist shares one simple way to build self-compassion

Why is it easier to be kind to others than kind to ourselves? We don’t really know, but we do know that we’d all like to be kinder to ourselves.

What is self compassion, and how do we build it?

In practice, self-compassion means showing yourself kindness. Recognizing that difficult thoughts, feelings and experiences are part of our shared human experience. And being curious rather than judgmental about our thoughts. 

Question the inner critic

For many of us, engaging with our thoughts means dealing with an inner critic prone to harsh self-judgment. The critic is the part that says, You can’t do anything right…You’re a bad mom/dad/friend...You’re not smart/pretty/good enough. This critic has often been with us for decades.

Negativity bias, difficult formative experiences and repetition reinforce the strength of these negative thoughts, until we come to believe them. There are a number of mindfulness and art exercises that help us to loosen our attachment to this negative self-talk loop, but there is also one simple question that can shift our understanding of self-compassion:

Would you speak this way to a friend? 

Seek a different perspective

The next time you find yourself in a negative loop of berating or judging yourself, ask this: would I ever use these words to help someone I care about? In all likelihood, you would not. Why? Because the critic is discouraging, harsh, and unhelpful! If you wouldn’t speak this way to a friend, why approach yourself with such scolding negativity?

Treat yourself like a friend

What IS helpful is empathy, support and compassion. Imagine speaking to a close friend or loved one, and ask yourself what they would want to hear if they were struggling. A message that makes them feel less alone. A message of kindness. A message that seeks to comfort, not judge. Then give yourself that message.

Unlock your self compassion

When you bring awareness to your critical thoughts and apply them to loved ones, it becomes easier to see them for the overly critical, unhelpful messages they are. They are robbed of their power. By giving ourselves the kindness and care we would offer a dear friend, we unlock self-compassion.

A counselor or therapist can help you break the cycle of negative self talk

Hearing someone else speak to you in a warm, nonjudgmental way can help you find the words to do it yourself. Especially if you experienced a lot of criticism growing up. A good therapist can also help you identify the places where you get stuck.

Can I have self compassion and still be motivated to change?

You may find yourself believing that it’s the inner critic that motivates you. If I don’t shame myself for having a messy house, will I ever clean it up? Believing that you can do something differently and truly wanting to do it differently are both essential ingredients for change. While shaming may make you want to do it, it undermines your belief that you can. Consider replacing your inner critic with an inner coach instead.

Want to learn more about practicing self-compassion? Our licensed therapists can help.