For many children, saying no to a friend or classmate feels frightening.  It takes practice to know that our friends or family members can feel disappointed and still like us, and to understand that we can be nice people without saying yes to everything.  When your child wants to say no to a peer and is having trouble, you can help.

1. Teach your child a simple decision making process.  Use a series of questions like these to help her make the choice that feels right to her

   • Would I feel proud of myself for doing this?

   • Is it the right time to do it?

2. Practice saying no with kindness.  Act out some scenes using these responses:

   • “No thanks.”

   • “Sorry, not right now.  Maybe later?”

   • “I’d like to play with you, but I don’t want to do that.  Let’s .”

   • If your child isn’t sure that something is ok to do or is feeling nervous about saying no, he can get an adult to help.   Try this response:  “That sounds fun, as long as the teacher (or my Mom/Dad) says it’s ok.” or “I’m not sure I’m allowed to do that.  Let me check.”

3. Try it out at home first.

   • Invite your child to play a game or do an activity with you at a time that is clearly appropriate and again at a time that isn’t appropriate (like in the middle of dinner or when it’s time to leave for school).

   • Help her to use the questions to decide what to do

   • Use the words you practiced to say no when it isn’t the right time.   This teaches your child that saying no to one another is a normal part of a good relationship.

Your child will do as you do, so look for opportunities to model this behavior yourself.  Say no to that volunteer project you don’t have time for, end phone conversations politely when you need to,  and replace “I don’t want to do this but I have to” with the real reason that you’re choosing to do it (“I’m doing the dishes because I know I’ll feel good when I see the clean kitchen.”)    Finally, have a laugh together when your child uses his new skills to say no to you.   He’s growing up.