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Talking to Kids about Systemic Injustice

A neurodiversity affirming therapist’s guide to conversations about race in America

It’s hard to believe four years have passed since the murder of George Floyd. In those four years, the discussion about racism has changed in America. And not in the ways we’d hoped. We’re getting further away from understanding the complexity of our own history.

Thankfully, kids ask questions. And those questions are opportunities to help them (and us) understand the world we live in. So what do we tell them?

What is systemic injustice or systemic racism?

When we make rules that disqualify people from participation in parts of our society, we call it systemic injustice. (Systemic because we are creating a system of rules, injustice because the system is unfair.) When we do it on the basis of skin color, it’s called systemic racism.

Talking to Kids About Racism: A Maryland Therapist’s Age by Age Guide

How do we have these conversations? The most important thing is to consider the child's age. Children begin to recognize racial differences as young as 3 months old. By kindergarten age, they learn to associate some racial groups with a higher status than others.

Today, children may see racial incidents on tv, social media, or on the internet. Early conversations about race can improve their racial attitudes in adulthood.

Ages 0-5: Children here recognize physical differences like skin color and hair texture. As they learn to talk, they may point out differences. Parents can teach their children by exposing them to a diverse environment.

Children can learn about acceptance by watching their parents interact with other racial and ethnic groups. Parents can also promote acceptance by encouraging children to have diverse friend groups.

Older kids in this range begin to understand the concept of fairness. This is the time to begin talks about racism. Emphasize that racism is unfair and unacceptable. They can prevent it by treating everyone with kindness, no matter their skin color.

Do not explain away acts of racism with statements like "the person was just angry.” Set the tone that racism will not be tolerated.

Kids are likely to attribute positive traits to people of their race and negative qualities to others. Children may say, "Her hair is funny looking." Parents should respond calmly, saying: “Her hair is not funny looking; it is beautiful and unique like yours." Use these opportunities to counter stereotypes by teaching them about the contributions made by people of color.

Ages 6-11: At this age, children become more eager for answers and are exposed to more information. Kids may also begin to notice biased views among their friends and family. The good news is kids at this age can articulate their feeling so parents can allow them to guide the conversation.

 At this age, children become more eager for answers and are exposed to more information. Kids may also begin to notice biased views among their friends and family. The good news is kids at this age can articulate their feeling so parents can allow them to guide the conversation.

Parents can ask about what their kids see on the internet, at school, and at home. Listen and ask open-ended questions to make room for dialogue. Discuss the media together and talk openly about racism, diversity, and inclusivity. Keep these conversations simple and honest, even sharing your own experiences with race, as appropriate.

Why Maryland therapists say this talk is so important.

Having such open conversation builds trust and encourages children to approach parents with questions. If the child sees you as a trusted source, they are likely to come to you for help.

For many families of color, this is also the age to begin talks about how to interact with law enforcement. Be sure to have these conversations regardless of the color of your child’s skin. ALL children hear about police incidents and wonder if it can happen to them or someone in their town.

Do not make empty promises. Resist the urge to say things like: “What happened in Ferguson would never happen here.” Such statements can be dismissive and provide a false sense of safety. Instead, let the child know that you love them and that there are adults who are working to keep them safe.”

Mention the role police officers play and their benefits to society. Help them understand that sometimes police interactions do not go as they should, and sometimes people get hurt.

Practice with children what to do when a police officer approaches them. For example, following the officer’s instructions, keeping your hands visible, not running away, and speaking in a respectful tone.

These conversations are bound to bring up intense emotions. Parents should be validating and reassuring, letting the child know that they are loved and protected. Remember, these conversations occur over time, and it is okay to take a break from them if needed.

Age 12 and above: Let’s be honest. Kids at this age know more than parents think they do. In fact, they often know more than their parents. They have and express strong opinions on a variety of topics.

This means your conversations may be more about asking questions than answering them. Continue to have open conversations with them. Learn about what they know about race and racism. Discuss what they have learned from school, tv, social media, and their friends.

Find various opportunities, such as current events, to have discussions. Seek to understand their perspective and help expand their thinking. Children at this age are likely to verbalize their thoughts on social media. Teach them that that they are responsible for what they say on social media.

If you find your child is engaging in hate speech, speak up. Keep the conversations open, listen to their perspective, but do not condone hate speech or bias.

Separate the action from the person. For example, “I don’t think you're a hateful person, but what you tweeted was inappropriate. Have you thought about it this way…?” Do not hesitate to offer alternate forms of thinking and help them see how their words or actions can impact others.

Continue discussing police brutality with teenagers. Teens are more likely to understand the role discrimination, prejudice, and implicit bias play in how police officers interact with persons of color.  It can be helpful to provide historical and personal examples.

The Bottom Line: Regardless of your child’s age, balance acknowledging the reality of racism and inequality with messages about the possibility of change. This isn’t easy, so have some patience with yourself.

You don’t have to have all the answers, and you may not know what to say. That’s okay! How you approach discussions about race will evolve and grow just as your child does. If anything, strive to create an environment of trust and openness where your child can come to you.

Understanding the current language around race in America

If you’re still feeling out of your depth with this topic, let’s start with some vocabulary. You may hear people talking about “DEI” initiatives. Those letters stand for diversity, equity, and inclusion. In 2024, politicians are arguing about these words. What do these words actually mean? We’ll ask dictionary.com.

Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion are not political

Diversity: variety, variability. Diversity means there are differences. Differences exist. That is all. We often use the word diversity when we talk about neurodiversity. Neurodiversity is the naturally occurring variety in human brains. (In other words, not all brains are identical.)

Equity: the quality of being fair or impartial. We can argue about how to be fair or impartial, but we’re all in favor of fairness.

Inclusion: the act of including, or the practice of including all people. No one argues that they themselves should be excluded. We all believe we should be included. So on some level inclusion is a value that matters to us all.

We agree that…

We aren’t all the same. Fairness is good. And we should all be a part of this world. We apply these values in the US when it comes to public school. Everyone gets to be there, regardless of religion, sex, socioeconomic status, disability status, or skin color.

We apply these concepts easily to ourselves, but struggle to apply them to people we see as different from us

In the US (across the world, really), we have a long history of making laws that say “inclusion is only for some people, not for all.” For example, until 1974 only men could have bank accounts in America. These rules are often made on the basis of race. Jim Crow laws, redlining, and slavery are some of the most obvious examples.

We think of these laws as outdated, but there are many racist policies still in practice today. Having honest conversations with our kids about racism is an important part of the ongoing conversation about race in America.

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