Here we go again. Schools may move online. You might test positive for COVID-19. We could have another snowstorm.

Flexible thinking is a must-have life skill in this moment!

And we may be finding it harder than ever to think flexibly. We may be thinking “my child HAS to go to school today! Or he’ll fall behind. And so will I.” It feels like there’s no wiggle room left.

Patterns of stuck or rigid thinking are on the rise.  Statements are made with certainty, with or without evidence.  It’s rare to hear someone saying “it’s most likely… but also could be…” This makes sense, given the anxiety we’ve all felt over the last 2 years.

But it’s a problem. Our inability to add that “or maybe…” polarizes us.  It blocks compromise.  It stops us from opening our eyes to the BIPOC, LGBTQ, and feminist viewpoints that were left out of our textbooks.   It keeps us insisting that gender has to be binary in the presence of evidence to the contrary.

At this time last year it prompted an armed invasion of Congress.  It can prompt intense conflict in families too.

(If the anxiety of all this is overwhelming, try this strategy to keep it in perspective.)

Those words “I CAN’T unless _________” come up often in couples therapy. And in parenting.

People who aren’t thinking flexibly sometimes try to calm themselves by changing or eliminating someone else’s choice.  This impulsive power play happens when we feel out of control. 

We sometimes use this kind of power play on a smaller scale as parents.  I did it myself recently.  My child was frustrated with her math homework and picked up my laptop to throw it.   I told her that if she threw it, I would throw her. 

I didn’t, and I wouldn’t.  That’s not my approach to parenting.  But that laptop was expensive and MINE, and I got desperate for control.  (Do as I say, not as I do, ok?)

In the worst-case scenario, parents do harm their children.  Or partners become violent with one another.  All because we lose our flexibility when anxiety overwhelms us.   

Thankfully, our Child and Family Therapists and Teen Counselors know what to do.

The antidote is flexible thinking.  The idea that things could turn out fine when they don’t go as planned.  That one simple idea diffuses anxiety, and keeps the worst in us at bay.

So what is flexible thinking?

It’s pizza night.  You’ve been looking forward to a slice of your favorite all week.   You’re placing your order when suddenly the power goes out. 

The pizza place has to close for the night.  What is your first thought?  What do you do next?

As an adult you’ve had a lifetime to learn how to pivot in a moment like this.  You have well rehearsed thoughts like “I guess I’ll have pizza tomorrow night.”   You quickly move on to an alternate plan.

This is flexible thinking (also called cognitive flexibility).  It’s the ability to say “I’ll do THIS… or maybe that.  And if that plan doesn’t work, this other one might.”

Parenting has given you plenty of practice.  A sick child or sudden meltdown has derailed your plans at the last minute.  Kids have crawled into your bed when you were hoping for some time with your partner.

Still, you likely have moments when your flexibility breaks down.  When school abruptly closes for a pandemic, perhaps?  And you still have a full workday to contend with.   

Anxiety and stress can make us less flexible.   And being less flexible creates more anxiety and stress.  If things have to go a certain way for us to be ok, day to day decisions can feel like life or death scenarios.

Flexible thinking allows us to take charge of what we can control and accept what we can’t.  To choose another option when our preference isn’t available.  It’s an essential life skill.

Pandemic Parenting requires Flexible Thinking

Name a few things you did one way before and do differently now.  All of those changes came from your flexible thinking.  Take a moment to recognize just how far you’ve come!

Without flexible thinking, you would have insisted on doing exactly what you had done before.  You would have stood at the bus stop insisting that the school bus still must come.  And of course you didn’t do that. 

You told yourself that this was just for a little while, and shifted your plans.  You might not have felt very flexible.  You might have felt panicked or angry.  But then you took action.   

If the panicked or angry feeling stuck around, you probably sought help.  People often come to therapy because they feel stuck.  Stuck in an emotional state.  Stuck in a pattern of relating to each other.

If you’re still feeling stuck in that spot, try a little flexible thinking. And if you’re still stuck after that, request a free consult and we’ll help.